









* .V 




.♦ <V tf> *.'' 

“v ^ ^ T • ' 

• • • • .V ' w » 4W ^ 

o'' * O " • # ^ • 4 ^0^ o ® * * ♦ ^O ^ ‘ 

, ^ 53*^ ^ ^ ♦i 






L® '<#*,^ & ♦ ' 

<3 . 


>«. 


>.»> 



'• % ^ »’ 


*r^* A <. 


' ♦ '^bk • ' 

4 -OJ^ ^ • 



•o ^ <4^ /. 


- ^ o; 



^<» cl^ • 

' • ® 



“ 

«* 

.X, 'o, *'T7^*' A -"v* '»•'** A^ 

rt'^ * • • *^5-. • k ' • * *Qr « • ' 





• • * V * — 





•X* A > . 

.0^ o^ 

-y V • S? 

- 0^ 


o o. 



\.-^-y v--^--.“ 

• • % ^ V^ » » • «. ^ * 0 ^ • !^% > V^ ^ . 0 ^ , 

/‘ /\ ^^K** /X ^^K‘“ 

.•,*55S^V- »'l^ *^in?P^' %• ^ <1‘^ ♦•—yr^r 



'b V 






i' »< 




® ® 
« aT 


o • * - ,0 


, b K • 

\'’^' . . . * ' 0 ^°^ • ♦ • 

••- "-.y*^'.-^-,\/.-m'-. .-i 


o^ *' 7 Vi* .A 


o ♦ » 


,0^ 0 


,-^ ♦ 


>K 




■* 4 ' 


'’*y. •.<0I^.’ .»“’■* ■•''^!l^•■ >“'V -Sl^.' V 

,. *o ••^\»»-'' / %‘^'-\<S> 

r* •j(\W/)i!® £.'» <si, .■?. ♦'ja4^/,,*<. t*4 

a\' '<a ---’'a^^ ^_, A ^ *■ 

4 4^ , i » • <{> Pi V 

o •$_ c*^ 



♦ A? • 


• ft 








• '^o I? 


'.* V 

*.;••* % * *Trr- • ^0 

k'. .v^ ^ ^ ^ . ww 


'h. '»yf^»' yvV 


•.* y^b 






* • 



* V 


• « 

♦ -V ^ “.’ 

°o u-b^ c . 


» AV' « 

" I ^ 

* '^, 1 . * 

.V « • • . 







.» .4- °«> V 



. .o-,»S- 0 > • 

;• V 

- :m£^ \/ /^\ ymk. %„./ /j 




' * aV 1 

C°^ °o j-b* C.^- 0°’^ . 





>'3 


»* ^ 


b® • 

’.♦ »0 ^ '» 





OND EDITION 






;>iniauiuir] 





W/ 











I m OfF! 


SENSE AND NONSENSE 

FOR 

R ummer " R eading. 

r 


1884 . 





^New York: 

The American News Company, 
Wholesale Agents. 




Philadelphia: 

The Central News Company 
Wholesale Agents. 









INTRODUCTION. 


“ I’m Off ” was written for fun and money, and is 
dedicated to all who are or can get “off.” We want 
every reader to buy his or her own copy. Do not 
lean over the backs of other people, or turn sideways 
in your seat, making believe your thoughts are wan- 
dering, when it is plain truth you are stealing twenty- 
five cents worth of fun. 

In buying “ I’m Off ” you will receive two gum bands 
(which alone are worth fifty cents, if you need them), 
for mailing to those who can’t get “ off.” 

“ I’m Off ” will be very digestible salad for the soli- 
tary, and can be used with impunity in hospitals, 
asylums, prisons, almshouses, and as a reference book 
after listening to a 48 pp. sermon. 


THE AUTHOR. 


' 4 ',..' ■ ' * . • . ' ' i ■ -.Ml'' ’ ‘’r ' 

' ■■ ■ ■■ ' #.v . 


.-V Sj ‘ 

• V. 


V*’ 


v: •' 'i.'; 

•- .'A 1/ , ■'• , , , 


V 


s . 


>A 

. • '> - 


' I 


I ' i . 






t <■ 


. ,T 


'!r' f 



■ • • 

^ - •■' • - .. •, 
•*' '4 '' 

•: c , 

I . . ' . ® . 




'•• * • 
I- « ; ^ 




«^'^ ‘ . V-V 

'.■-''I-.. 


V 1' ■ r y ^ , 


''' V- . 


A . 


V i 




\ 


( • 


/ ' 


i *: 


I ) • 

. ■.,* • 


, 0 ? 


• T j.. » »: ♦. , 




.• • i 

' V * 


1 

».v‘ 


V . 




, i. 


I . 


r. 



K 


> 


) I 


• i :. 




C ' 

A ■ I 




' V I 

> 

* 1 • 










V; ‘ * ■ X 

fe?’vv:ii<:. r ■ 'Sfrf 


^ « 


I • • > 


\- 


\ 

V. . 










' < 


- \ 


t » 




■ 'isfi* 




V » 


•f 


T r 




f 

/ 


,- \ <». 


A' 


y, < 






v*”. 


H' 
. r 


A A 


. \ 


'V; 


/V. 




. \ 

.' i 

« "r- 


r • 

A 






.' . V 








- < I 


I . 


"'TN 


■v:' „• 

’ .V 

r . i' % 


' 'V ‘ '■ . ^ ' 

■>».■'. ' ' - ' ' ,*J ■ 

- * ' 'A- . X W- 










■' ^ I 

'1 '•^j' 


\%\y ' . ' ., , 

Vi<^ * ' S'* V ^ 


^ » 




;«■ 


■.t-: •■ 


V »- ' 

•i # . ••' 


•- ii 


. / 

' .?* : • 


', y^' • . » . ' j ' *■ f * 






y • . 




r.--' .\V*. 

b * A* 


/i 


\ 's i- 


/ 



/• ? 


. ■■' 'f ' ‘ ■; ■' 

: U . ■.: .. ', ■ ‘ , 

/cV/- vf v« ' ^ i ' 


AO;-: ;.•.•'•■ 




' } '■ 


J • 


^ ■^ t. ,:v^. 

i .■<. 


V r ‘ /. 


' S’ ^ • i ■ ' ‘ 






'■ r 




. < ’ 'y 


'• .1 


/ 


• •: .V -1 

■• , » ' I ■ 

- ,= V M 


« 


j .'tr ■ . . ■- j u ' - ‘ 


' •a J ’ 


. d> > ^ :‘^;r • 

Vv? * 


^ "X 


-T' 


J I , ' ' 

a y ■ f ' ■ 

. 7 ■ 


J 


■ ( r 


1 • 


;i’ 


'■:-'7.. 


>• A; 




^ M ■" ■ ♦' 


'i''’ 



( ' 

J 


I 

• ^ 

• 4. 


V' < 'i. ' 


^•■i 0 


* 


•. ,s 


■ ! ' ( 


• '’• f ', ■ 

'2'. »V/ •■' . 

»“ A v / 

^. • /» 


< , 

d . 


» A,- V 

' ' s ^ 

I 


. »' t » . 

.4 

r/A*'. 

v’ • ' 


I * • 

t 


4: 




f . 






-r.-v 


\ ^ '*'.1 • 


' J 


I ^ 


% 

** 




X ■• 


t 


/ 


.-> I 

t .'-• s . r, - 1 • 

, I 

‘ e ' 


. J' /AVy 

• , «. r . .. T r 







/■ ' 

V ■ 


fr 

'A , 




. ♦ 

' • ’. 

• '.I 


y'A' • 


:V‘ 


- \ 


.'Vi 
1- : 


■ ^ . 




- > 


. ■ V'‘ 


y 


I 

\ 




I 


< 

\ . 

I- 


:Vv 


' I 




i « 

• *. 

% ' • 




•' '..'V . 


V* 


^K. 
,!■ ' 


t. 


♦ ‘ i 
I 


w/v-. 


'• ' ’ X ' ' .. I ‘V *' 

' : ‘ A*‘ ■• ,'(/ y'-yTj^ 


4 


IISTDEX- 


PAGE. 

A Good Point(er) on a Comer in Wheat 72 

A Happy Family — Cat and Dog Life 82 

An Object Lesson 88 

Colts and How to Raise Them .77 

^Crossing Ferry — Morning-Evening 89 

Difference oetween High, Low and Broad Churchmen 74 

Elder Sassafras’s ‘‘ Sarmon ” 73 

Emph-e-eem 61 

Freddy Sweetbread 33 

Gaining Information 52 

Glass Eye with a Girl Combination 37 

Home Recipes 71 

How he Construed it * .... 86 

I’m Off 7 

International Baby Show 47 

Jim Frisby’s Vision 91 

Jones and his Master-Key 75 

Likeness of a “ Conservative ” during and after the Panic 78 

Maniacal Musings 38 

Mary Had a Little Lamb 64 

Meets of Various Kind 94 

Menu of Our Restaurant 68 

No Stops Made on this Road .90 

‘‘Oh! You Perfidious Wretch,” &c 72 

Put up Job by Two Bunco Dogs 25 

Remarkable Days in July 30 

Scene in Wall Street .29 


5 


6 INDEX. 

PAGE. 

Seaside Talk 93 

Shirts and Collars, 17 

Silver Leaf Club 85 

Sketch of El Mad-hi 79 

Street Car Episode 87 

Testimonials •44> 65, 95 

The Absent-minded Old Bachelor 60 

The Bell Ringers 39 

The Irishman’s Hog 92 

The Ubiquitous Fly 53 

The Very Wicked Man 81 

Time to be Off. 63 

Wall Street 83 

Walton P. Webb and Sons. . . : 59 


Copyrighted 1884, by the ‘‘Fm Off” Publishing Co. 



Where are you off to this summer ?’' I asked my wife, last 

evening, as we were doing 
our courting over again un- 
der the old peach tree, in 
the yard. 

“ Tm not off this summer. 
I have had enough of it.’’ 

‘‘What, no sea-shore, 
mountain, country?” 

“ Not unless you go with 
me, and stay with me.” 

“ But I always go with you, 
and stay until the next train leaves. Business, my dear, com- 
pels me.” 

“ Business be hanged ; who has any, or can get any business, 
when the thermometer is up to ioo° ? Bah ! you want to 
get out ’minding the children, and run off to some fishing place, 
with others just like you — wife foolers, I call them — and we, 
silly things, have to lie to other women just as they lie to us, 
trying to make one another believe how hard our husbands 
work for the comfort of ourselves and children ! B-a-h ; I go 
with j/au, stay with and come home with 

“ All right ; but don’t let us quarrel about it. I will go with 
fou, stay with you, and come home with YOU !” 

“ That’s a sensible conclusion, and — ” (just then the ser- 
vant announced tea). 



i’m off. 


The next evening we were seated again in our favorite spot, 
and the conversation of the evening before was naturally re- 
sumed. 


Well, what is it ? Coun- 
try, sea-shore or mountain ?’' 



Sea-shore struck up 
the oldest (a young lady); 

no fun in the country ; I 
would rather stay at home.*^ 


O ! let’s go to the coun- 
try,” said the next (a boy). 

Get lots of fun out of it. 
We can set fire to the hay 
and wheat stacks, and at 
night pull up all the corn in 


the field and turn the hogs into the garden while the old farm- 
er’s asleep ; then he will have nothing to do but take us a-fish- 
mg. 

Now I read ye I' said the third from the head, also a boy. 

Yes ! and we can break up all the old setting hens, and have 
wagon loads of fun in firing the eggs at swallow’s nests. Jim 
Barrett says, when he was in the country last summer, he 
broke up an old goose that had been setting for two months, 
and fired the eggs at the bull ; goriffith giffits, one of the eggs 
struck the bull square on the forehead, and went off like a 
cannon ! Jim says he thought the bull had busted. And, — ” 

But my wife cut the fourth hopeful off by saying : 

If you were any kind of a man, you would reprove your 
children for ^ putting in ’ when you and me are talking ; and 
such slang ! ^ Now I read ye f where in the world do they get 
it from ? And—,” jingle-lingle, went the tea bell. 



I M OFF. 


9 


Under the old peach tree once more, tea over, and the chil- 
dren in bed — 

Now where shall we go ? it’s time to be getting ready ; the 
weather is warm, and a great many respectable people are al- 
ready away.’* 

Before I had time to reply, I heard from as many windows, 
'^Country!” “Sea-shore ! ” “Moun- 
tains! ” “ Eur-rip !’’ this last from 
the fourth hopeful, who had been 
cut off suddenly the evening be- 
fore. 

“ If you don’t go to sleep and 
behave yourselves, not one of you 
will get to go anywhere !” I re- 
plied, very angrily, but the unanimous response was, “ We’ll 
see 1 We’ll see !’’ 

My wife returned their impudence by throwing her shoe 



through the window, which knocked a picture down, which fell 
on the French mantel clock, which in turn fell on the bureau, 
smashing themselves in such confusion that the clock could 


^ QuR-RI^ (COUNT^ 


|[W 

I 


|f| 

PI If 111 



10 


i’m off. 


not tell whether it was bureau or picture ; but there was no 
more noise that night, and we decided to go to the sea-shore. 

Everything was in commotion and confusion for the next 
few days in getting ready for the trip. Finally the day arrived, 
and the hour set for starting. I told my wife to have an 
early plain dinner, so that we would have plenty of time 
to reach the depot. After arranging business at the store, 
kissing all the best-looking girls, and warning the office boy 



to be on hand at 7 o'clock every morning, I went to the livery, 
hired a carriage, and went home. I had hardly got to the door 
when I was greeted with such noises as, Your father ought 
to have taken you to the store with him, instead of leaving 
you home to annoy me ! I can't get ready in time ; go out of 
this room, will you !" ** Mamma, shall I wear my light sack 

or duster?" I don't care what you wear. I am not going." 
** Oh, yes, you will go ; you are only saying that to worry 
papa !" ** If your father don't cowhide you for your impudence, 
I won't go one step ; there !" 

Amanda, stop flying through these rooms; I am nearly 



I'm off. 


11 


distracted. Flora, come here this minute ; don’t you see it’s 
getting late ; there’s your father standing on the step. I will 
call him to you.” These were the preparatory musical 
notes for having a good time. Dinner was announced, 
and I called up-stairs to one and all to hurry, as we had just 
one hour to make the train. But the same or similar noises 
that I heard when I first reached the house, drowned my 
voice, ** Give me my shoes.” ‘‘ You can’t have them, they are 
in the trunk; wear your old ones.” ** Hush up.” You shall 
not wash in my room.” ‘‘The bath-room is good enough 
for anybody !” 

“ Are you going to-day, or are you getting ready for to- 
morrow; that’s what I want to know?” But no response 
came from the revelers. 

“ Well, I’ll eat my dinner, and 
you can do what you please,” I 
said. Presently they came down 
stairs, one by one, each minus 
some garment, my wife bringing 
up the rear, wearing my long linen 
duster, buttoned down to her feet. 

“You are ready, anyhow, with the exception of your bonnet ! ” 
were the words with which I greeted my wife. 

“No, sir, I haven’t commenced yet; if you had taken 
boy with you to the store this morning, I would have been 
ready?” 

“No, she wouldn’t, papa; she’s been all the morning fix- 
ing.” 

At that moment I heard a slap on the mouth, and then, 
“ Shout, the glad tidings,” was keeping time to the music of 
the big organ in Mozart’s I2^th Mass. 



12 


i’m off. 


The noise was stopped by the coachman announcing that we 
had but half an hour to make the train. Dinner was left 



unfinished, and each one rushed to put on the remainder 
of their clothes, while I gave the cook instructions what stores 
to run in debt with during our absence. Trunks were put 



aboard the baggage-wagon, the driver being instructed to keep 
close behind us, so that our friends could see our big piles of 




i 


i'm off. 13 

luggage. I hurried the family into the carriage, each one 
carrying some garment they had not time to put on, and 
with a good-by to the girl, we were off to the train. We had 
not gone far, however, when a terrible mishap occurred, but 
fortunately without injury to any one but myself. The front 
wheel went off,’^ and we all went ‘ off' — into the street." 

‘‘ I knew something would happen," said my wife, as she 
picked herself up. ** All that boy’s fault ; I’m going home." 

** Never mind," I said ; things are not so bad as they seem. 
We are not far from the depot, and we may yet make the train." 

So, hurriedly getting everything together, we walked, or 
rather ran, to the depot, when to my disgust I found we were 
an hour and a half too early. That boy had got up in the 
night and set all the clocks and my watch ninety minutes fast, 
in order, as he said, to hurry his mother, who was always 



My wife did not laugh at this remark, and 




behind time. 


14 


i’m off. 


suggested that I had better take Willie with me to get the 
tickets, which I did. On passing the news-stand, my son 
stopped to look at the holiday literature, when suddenly he 
shouted out, Come, here quick ; here’s a book called ' I’m 
Off,’ and it’s all about you and mother, and the rest of us. 
Buy it, won’t you ?” 

‘‘Wait until we get on the train; we will buy it from a 
newsboy.” 

After purchasing the tickets, we had dinner over again 



(or rather we had dinner this time), and got aboard the train. 
Presently we were whirling out of the depot, when along came 
the newsboy, shouting, “Here is your new Summer Book, 
‘ I’m Off.’ It’s just the book you want ; only twenty-five cents, 
and all ready for mailing.” 

“ Give me six copies,” I said. 

“ There you go into your extravagance. Ain’t one book 


i’m off. 


15 


enough ? Don’t be so foolish ; you will have everybody look- 
ing at you in the car.” 

Don’t mind her, papa ; buy us each a copy, and we 
won’t bother you again until the boy comes round with 
bananas and oranges.” 

Yes, that’s right; let them have their own way, just for 
the sake of half an hour’s peace. Why don’t you give them 
half a dollar besides, as a premium ?” 

And I paid no attention to what my wife said, but bought 



six I’m Offs,” which had a happy effect on the children — 
especially the youngest — who remarked that he would get 
even with his mother, for making him wear his old shoes, by 
reading aloud anything in the book that was about her. Hap- 
py idea it was in my buying a copy for each one, and econom-* 
ical also ! They had become so interested in the book that 
one and all had failed to respond to the invitation to buy 
oranges and bananas, prize candy, views of large cities, and 
other innumerable things with which the newsboy worked” 



i6 


i’m off. 


the car. Tm Off '' had saved me money, and I did not fail 
to inform my wife of the fact, to which she nodded assent, and 
I fell into a doze, so satisfied was I with myself, and was only 
aroused by Checks for baggage ! '' '' Transfer Coaches for all 
the hotels ! '' 

And I went with my wife^ stayed with my wife^ and came 
home with my wife. 


THE OWL. 

FOR YOUNG SCHOLARS. 

The owl is a very large bird (full stop) it sleeps all day 
and hunts for its food in the night (semi-colon) it has large 
eyes like a cat so that it can see in the dark (colon) if you 
could see his eyes through a microscope it would look like 
one of the Mosasaurius pictures on the Chatauqua chart 
(comma) it is not a companionable bird it is lonesome (com- 
ma) and I do not like it at any price and have no use for it at 
all (comma) nor the hoots it brings along with it (semi-colon) 
I AM always better satisfied when it flies off (period) 

THEODORE W. McINSTRY. 


‘*Mr. Smith,’' said an impecunious borrower, ‘'suppose you 
had ^lO in your pocket, and I was to ask you for ^5, how 
much would you have left ?” 

" Ten dollars,” was Smith’s calm reply. 


SHIRTS AND COLLARS! 


Have you ever had any trouble with your linen, dear reader ? 
I say dear reader, after the style 
of religious writers, for who knows 
but that many otherwise pious men 
have been made to exclaim, ** Darn 
the shirt and collar ! 

If ever man was afflicted with 
shirts and collars, so that he would 
forget his own identity, and have to 
call on his mother-in-law to tell him 
his wife's maiden name, I am he ; 

I am HE. Let me give you a 
few of my many experiences : 

1 was once stopping at a hotel 
in Richmond. Having arrived late 
on Saturday night, and being very 
tired, I slept in my only shirt. I 
might here say that I had a half-dozen different sizes of col- 
lars with me, not knowing whether my 
neck would contract or expand in that 
warm climate. 

After a lively night's rest (I was amused 
most of the time with some kind of a bird 
that insisted on calling me cousin) I arose 
and prepared for breakfast. Looking into 
the mirror before me, what a sight ! I had 
forgotten to remove the tobacco from my mouth on retiring, 

2 17 




18 


SHIRTS AND COLLARS. 


consequently the bosom of my shirt presented a forlorn appear- 
ance. I immediately rang the bell for the servant; one appeared 
shortly. First asking him his name (he called himself the late 
Judge Frizby), I said: 

‘‘ Can you buy me a shirt ? '' 

Oh, yes, Boss, get you a nice one for five dollars/^ 

Handing him the money, and telling him to hurry up, I 
waited patiently for his return. He arrived shortly and said: 

“ Boss, dis am de nicest shirt out, sure. No trouble to put 
it on over de head ; buttons all down de side.’* 

Putting it on, the Late Judge asked me if it was large 
enough. 

“ Well, I should think it was, most ; I didn’t ask you to buy 
me a whole suit. Take this back and get me another.” 

He returned in a few minutes saying the store was closed 
and the boss had gone to church. I put the shirt on again, 
determined to do the best I could under the circumstances. 

Just at this moment, I noticed a stir among my collars ; 
and a suppressed laugh of the ex-judge, whom I kept in tor- 
ture for a half-hour, breaking all his finger-nails in trying to 
fasten the back button. Having accomplished this, I told him 
to fasten the front. Now, if you have never heard a colored 
judge deliver an opinion, you ought to have been present. 

‘‘ Boss, this shirt am a cutaway, and the collars are six inches 
too short, sure!' 

My patience becoming exhausted, I ordered him to sew two 
of the collars together, and bring my breakfast to my room, 
determined not to be made fun of by the other guests. 

On my return home I sent the shirt to a charitable insti- 
tution, the matron of which, in acknowledging the donation, 
said she made one dozen nice sheets and a linen table-cloth 


SHIRTS AND COLLARS. 


19 


out of it. She thanked me kindly on behalf of the Board of 
Directors, and of the little children of the institution. 

Being one of the proprietors of the Merchants' Take-In (the 
only paper devoted to commercial interests in the United 
States), I received as part of my dividend an order on a Gents* 
Furnishing store, and with this I hastened to get measured 
for one half-dozen shirts of the latest style. 

When the shirts came home, my wife remarked, Why did 
you get shirts with collars on them, when you know you must 
have a clean collar each day?’' I did not order them so, my 
dear; but guess this must be the new style. I will wear one 
to-day, and see how I like them." My wife (always wishing 
me to look nice), said, My dear, I would, but remember, do 
not spit on your bosom." 

I had not proceeded far from the house when the boys com- 
menced to yell, Look at that sport! " Come off! " Shoot 
the Dude ! " Git on to his outfit! " and such like expressions ; 
and not wishing to be made sport of, I returned home to see 
what was the matter with the shirt. On examination my wife 
found that the man who made the shirt had drawn too much 
muslin up in the neck, to the detriment of the lower end. 
Without getting angry, however, I took off the shirt and put 
on an old one — sending the fashionable ones back to be altered 
to the old style. 

In a few days they were returned to me, cut bias in the 
back, and gored. ‘‘Now," said I to my wife, “I think they 
are all right," putting one on that fitted splendidly. 

But, alas ! my trouble ended not here, as I had forgotten to 
order collars with the shirts — not knowing that every collar 
ought to fit a shirt, and every shirt fit a collar. Nevertheless, 


20 


SHIRTS AND COLLARS. 


I thought myself equal to the emergency, having collars of all 
sizes on hand. 

I went to the drawer, took out a half-dozen collars — thinking 

one of them would fit. I first 
tried the Captain — my old 
favorite, but it was no use, 
for as fast as I would button 
it in front, it would come off 
behind. I next tried “ Lord 
Byron,'' the old stand-by, 
but it would not fit; then I 
tried the Grant," but it was 
frayed out on the edges, 
from long usage, and refused 
to be tacked on a new ad- 
ministration, and “ off" it 
went. My patience becom- 
ing almost exhausted, I de- 
termined to nail the next one fast, and had already secured the 
back, and was with my left hand fastening the front part, when 
my wife came to me and said, Deary, won't you take me to 
the opera to-night ? " when off went the collar. 

'^Now, my dear, don't bother me when I am putting on a 
collar. yi?u know it makes me mad T 

Well, I have never been to the opera in my life." 

Cyclones and hurricanes ! don't bother me ! " 

My wife, seeing me getting angry, said, Deary, perhaps I 
can fix it for you." 

Eh ! will you go to bed, or do something ? — anything^ but 
don’t annoy me.” 

My wife now began to get mad, too. 



SHIRTS AND COLLARS. 


21 


Why don’t you go to a decent place and get your shirts and 
collars ? I didn’t make them.” 

** Did I say you made them ? I will go to another room 
where I can put my collar on in peace !” 

I went at once, and after walking up and down the room for 
half an hour, twisting and screwing at my collar, and scarce 
knowing what I was about, I heedlessly walked out of the 
open door, and this was the result: 

Some people may think 
this is a funny picture. I 
don’t. After laying there 
for half an hour, I was asked 
by my wife if I had broken 
anything on my way down, 
and, almost in the same 
breath, the servant girl came 
in and told me that the black 
hen 'wanted to set. I imme- 
diately replied. 

Give her thirteen 

collars !” (I would add, that 
the old hen is still setting 
without avail.) 

All this time my wife was bathing my head and calling me 
kind and endearing names. Such as. 

Oh, you old simpleton ! I hope you are satisfied now !” 
etc. (I was more than satisfied.) 

After listening to all this, I started up stairs to get another 
collar, when, to my utter horror, some thirty or forty collars 
seemed to be dancing and wriggling about, putting themselves 



22 


SHIRTS AND COLLARS. 


into all manner of shapes, evidently rejoicing over my annoy- 
ance. 

Talk about your Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to 
Animals'’ — if I had just at that moment been the happy pos- 
sessor of Jerry McS weeny’s Bi-Centennial bull-dog,” I would 
have set him on the collars, bureau and all, so exasperated was I. 

After the collars got quiet- 
ed down, I picked up one 
and said*: Perhaps you 

would like to go down town 
to-day.” It making no par- 
ticular objection, I dipped 
the band in water, so that 
my neck might not be worn 
through before night, and 
then I started down the 
street, feeling in about as 
good a humor as a man can 
after enduring so much tor- 
ture, when, happening to 
think I had my cane instead 
of my umbrella, and it was then raining hard, I turned back 
hurriedly, when I beheld — but no, I won’t tell you, look for 
yourself. 

Talk about corruption in high places ; woman at the bottom 
of it; here was the old fellow ” himself and all his book- 
keepers, tormenting me beyond all human — ^yes, even spiritual 
endurance. 

I returned home utterly demoralized, when my wife came 
to my rescue once more. Said she, Come here, dear, I bet I 
will fix that collar so it will stay on ; I will sew it fast.” 

I answered by running my hand down my back, and pulling 



SHIRTS AND COLLARS. 


23 


collar, shirt, and all off, and then said, '' Take it, do what you 
please with it,'’ and I fell back on the bed exhausted. Presently 
I fell asleep, when I dreamed of a new country. 

There I saw about one 
hundred millions of collars, 
trying to fit themselves on 
to one man, each offering 
money for the privilege of 
being tried on first. I thought 
I saw a man, and he was 
lame, who had a very thin 
neck, and who was being 
tormented with a very large 
collar, which looked to be 
about eight hundred feet 
wide. I drew his picture on 
the spot just as he emerged 
from one of those establish- 
ments, which, if taken at flood-tide, leads on to destruction. I 
looked again, and lo ! the sign was changed, and in its stead I 
saw a figure and below were the words. 



In Memoriam.” 

I asked the Spectre what he was looking at ; said he, Be- 
hold ! young man, a supero-lateral view of a crushed cranium, 
and interior part of the body. My pectoral bone appears as a 
sagittiform plate with thin edges, and rounded, lateral angles. 
A thin, median prolongation, the greater part of the border 
of my collar is distinct and displays the continuity of the 
supra-temporal regions (I thought he said infernal). 

Its ramus rnandibuli is longer than my neck proper, the 
number of frays on the edges of the collar cannot be deter- 

3 


24 


SHIRTS AND COLLARS. 


mined, but they are rather large, and traces of them extena 
all around the neck. 

The length of the anterior mandibuli in the back part of 
the collar is 7 mm., and the diameter at the base is 47 mm. — 
diameter of base of superior maxillary, 00 mm. — the approx- 
imate length of the mandibular ramus is 37 miles longer than 
a Mississippi freshet. The one an- 
gle of the collar projects and gives 
a surface somewhat ribbed rather 
than of a continuous character.'* 
At this point the Spectre disap- 
peared, and I awoke, finding my 
wife standing over me, bathing me 
with a mixture of South Carolina 
and Louisiana water, and holding 
blue glass to my nose. 

She said, My dear, you have 
been dreaming and talking in your 
sleep." ‘‘ Well," said I, I think 
I have." Said my wife, “Take my 
handkerchief and wipe the perspira- 
tion off your face !" “Whatlahand- 
kerchief, did you say ? better bring 
a bucket and see that it is large." 

At this point an alarm of fire was 
sounded. I rushed to the door and 
asked a boy, who was proceeding to the scene of conflagra- 
tion, what was on fire,. he replied, it is “ Longshortness's Collar 
Factory." “ Then, I am happy." 

Revenge ! Revenge ! ! Revenge ! ! ! 



S . 



PUT UP JOB BY TWO BUNCO DOGS. 

AND HOW I LOST MY BREAKFAST THROUGH MY WIFE's ECONOMY. 

I declare, I am not going to put up with any more impu-^ 
dence from servant girls,” exclaimed my wife, one evening 
when I came home tired and hungry, and saw no signs of the 
evening hash. 

** Why, what in the world's the matter ?” I exclaimed, as I 
threw off my over-umbrella. 

Matter enough,” she said. “ She nas gone and broke my 
eighty-five cent tea-pot, and I discharged her on the spot.” 

** Now don't get up an Ohio flood of tears and a South Caro- 
lina cyclone,” I replied. I will buy you a Newfoundland dog.'*^ 

25 


26 


PUT UP JOB BY TWO BUNCO DOGS. 


Newfewlein^ my dear, is the proper way of pronouncing it.” 
This from my wife. 

All right, pronounce it as you please ; but I believe in 
calling things by their proper names, as a judge said to a pris- 
oner who was trying to explain that he was slightly off, ‘ You 
mean that you were very drunk.* ‘Yes, Judge, spell it your 
way ; I will not dispute, you are on' " 



“ Anyhow,** I said, “ I am glad the tea-pot is broken, for we 
will have no more calico tea.** 

“Now, my dear, if you will cook the meals, the New 
F-o-u-n-d-l-a-n-d — {New/ewlein, if you please) will buy the 
food.** 

Both being agreed to this little arrangement, I hurried off 
to the Baldwin’s Locomotive Works, and bought a two-story 
New ! ! ! dog (she didn*t catch me on the last syllable). 


PUT UP JOB BY TWO BUNCO DOGS. 


27 



I will here explain that Baldwin keeps a number of large dogs 
to protect the red hot iron from being stolen by the junkers. 

The next morning I took the dog with me to the family 
grocery, so that he might know where we got trusted. After 
making my purchase of meat and bread, and having them 
charged, I threw the pass-book, with the other things, into the 
basket, handed it to Rolla (this was the New's name), who 
wagged his tail, smiled, and followed me home. My wife was 
very much pleased, and said it would be a long time before she 
would be bothered with servant girls again. 

Next morning Rolla was started off to the store with the 
basket, and after making his purchases and having the things 
charged, Rolla started home a happy New (no you don’t) dog. 
But a tale followed which reached a sorrowful ending in the 
dog-pound. 

At the corner of Sydenham and Willington streets, two dogs 
(one of them in the distance) laid in wait for the faithful Rolla. 


28 


PUT UP JOB BY TWO BUNCO DOGS. 



** Good morning, Bouncer,’* said Bunco No. i. How’s alt 
the folks in Chicago?” Rolla growled, and said his name 
was not Bouncer, nor was he from Chicago. ** My name is- 
Ro//a, from Rolla, Missouri^.” 



Bunco No. I apologized,, 
started off^ and hurriedly 
gave Bunco No. 2 the Bark., 
** Good morning, Mr. Rolla;. 
you are from Rolla, Mis- 
souri^ ! How’s Prince, Fan- 
ny, Tip, Beauty and all the 
other dogs?” Rolla was 
completely taken back ; set 
down the basket, and en- 
tered into an earnest con- 
versation with Bunco No. 2, 
who presently commenced 



PUT UP JOB BY TWO BUNCO DOGS. 


to laugh most immoderately. Rolla was getting mad, and 
commenced to growl, when Bunco No. i flew up the street 
with Rolla’s basket. Bunco No. 2 after him, while the dog- 
catcher had just thrown a net over poor Rolla. 

And the servant girl next door rejoiced. Verily she will 
have her reward. Editor I’m Off. 


“ Hello, Charlie, where are you going with that long 
ladder ?” 



Where am I going, did you say? Don’t you see my paint 



pots? I’m going to paint over all the old signs in Wall streeU 
I do this twice a year!” 



EEMAKEABLE DATS JULY. 


1. Started on vacation. 

2. Got there. 

3. I wish I hadn’t. 

4. Euphemia (my wife) sick. 

5. Sent for Doctor. 

6. Paid Doctor ;^io, messenger $ 1 , 

7. 'Wife mad. 

8. Took my wife to races — ^^loo, including bets. 

9. Flora, the youngest, broke an arm. 

9^. Sent for Doctor, setting ;^io. 

9^. Drug store for splints, &c., $ 2 . 

9^. Telegraphed for family physician, $ 2 . 

10. Old family fraud arrived. 

10^. Old family fraud explains that he 
10^. Had to leave physician in 
10^. Charge at enormous expense. 

11. Went out riding with some friends, 
li^. And got tired. 

12. Old family fraud returns home, 

12}^. And surprises me with a bill for 
12^. ;^25o, which he would like to have, 

12^. As everybody is away. 

13. Left Saratoga for Niagara. 

14. There. Hired Carriage. 

14 }^. Went under Falls. 




30 


REMARKABLE DAYS IN JULY. 


31 


14 }^. Carriage and Falls Fraud, 

14^. Including visit to Museum, 14.50. 

15. ^16.75 invested in small swindles for 
15^. The loved ones at home. 

15^. Left for Watkins. 

16. Didn’t get there. Took wrong train. 

16^. At Watkins. Wife mad. Went to bed. 
16^. I didn’t, but wish I had. 

16^. Couldn’t find bed. Slept on Chasm Bridge. 

17. Blank. You know why. 

18. On Seneca Lake. Baby overboard. 
i8j^. Baby recovered. Cost ;^ioo. 

18 ^, My fault of course. Couldn’t hold it. 

18^. Too much relapse from yesterday’s hilarity. 

19. Attended to wife strictly. 

20. Left Watkins for New York. 

20^. In sleeping car. 

20^. In sleeping car, but no sleep. 

21. New York, Carriage, Hotel, Breakfast $^. 85 . 
21^. Central Park, Carriage, Restaurant 11.67. 
21^. Wife takes nap. I take a stroll. 

21^. Meet Buncos. Get robbed, of course. 

22. Bunco story not believed. 

22 }^, Story too old. Too many — 

22 Others out of cash. Tried to play 
22^. Same game on landlord. 

22^. Wife sides with landlord. 

23. Telegraph for money. 

23^. Get it, and with it 

24. Order from partner to 

24 ^, Come home at once. 




32 


REMARKABLE DAYS IN JULY. 


24^. As Bookkeeper's accounts short 

25. And run off with partner’s wife. 
25^. Getting ready, wife very much mad, 
25^. And children helping her. 

26. Fm Off for Home 

27. And get there. 

28. Went down to store. 

28^. Found partner 
28^. Much off 

28^. Sheriff’s bill on store. 

29. Store closed. 

30. Creditors weeping and 
30 ^. Gnashing teeth. 

31. All off. 






FREDDY SWEETBREAD. 

Freddy is a good boy : always first at Sunday-school ; he 
never gives his teacher any trouble, and at Christmas always 
has the most tickets, in return for which he receives the nicest 
book. Freddy, however, is not as good as he looks. He has 
more impiety in his little head than the bad boy who went fish- 
ing on Sunday and didn’t get drowned, and who hid his fish 
in a barrel until Monday. 

The regular Christmas Sunday-school celebration was near 
at hand, and Freddy was short several tickets of the necessary 
number in order to secure the best book and also the extra 
chromo, which was to be given to the scholar who turned in 
the most tickets, and the cleanest and brightest. 

During the summer Freddy had taken a few Sundays in the 
country for recreation, while the Sunday-school building was 
being repaired. Here Freddy got ac- 
quainted with the country S. S. boy, and 
traded marbles with him for S, S. 
tickets, but when Freddy got home he 
found the city and country Sunday- 
school tickets were of different color 
and size. He was very much puzzled 
to know what to do. He wanted that book and the chromo. 
A new idea just then flashed into his little brain. He knew 
Charlie Bevans, the printer’s son, and he would get him 
to print the tickets. Charlie could also print a lot for him- 
self, so that he would get the next best book and chro- 
mo. Now, Charlie had never been in a Sunday-school and 
was afraid of getting caught, but Freddy explained to him 
^ 33 ' 



34 


FREDDY SWEETBREAD. 


that the Sunday-school was so large, and as nearly all the 
scholars would be at the celebration, there was no danger of 
being found out. Freddy, however, got caught in his own 
trap. In his eager desire to get the Sunday-school book and 
the chromo, he forgot all about the Sunday-school being 
closed for eight weeks. He carefully put his fifty-two 
tickets away, and impatiently waited for the celebration. 

Charlie Bevans, being elated by Freddy’s scheme, conspired 
with other nonS. S boys, and printed several thousand Sunday- 
school tickets, and gave 104 to every non-Sunday-school boy, 
being two for each Sunday, keeping 365 for himself, deter- 
mined to get the best Sunday-school book and chromo, adding 
he would be even with Freddy for trying to make him a bad 
boy. 



The Sunday for the school celebration arrived, Freddy was 
in high spirits ; his mother had bought him a new red suit the 
day before, so he could be easily distinguished from the other 
Sunday-school scholars. People would say, “ There goes 
Freddy Sweetbread, the boy who carried off the firsJt prize.” 



FREDDY SWEETBREAD. 


35 


Freddy was the first boy at the school, and as he walked to his 
seat he imagined the kind hearted superintendent, who was 
looking at him, say, “That’s a good boy; what a comfort to 
his parents ! great pity there isn’t more of him ; no brother 
or sister to divide his goodness with ! he will no doubt be 
superintendent of this Sunday-school when I am laid away ! ” 

Presently in walked Charlie Bevans and several non-Sunday- 
school scholars. Soon the building was filled; the superin- 
tendent called for chairs to be put in the aisles. He said his 
soul was running over with joy at the sight. The invitation 
he gave out last Sunday to the scholars to bring all their 
friends to the celebration had met with most- unbounded suc- 
cess. “ He believed there were more non-S. S. S’^ present 
than S. S. S’ . 

"And there was. The aisles were packed with boys, but on 
they came ; the doors were filled with them, and the street 
completely blocked. 

Freddy was getting very much frightened, and turned red 
in the face, but Charlie Bevans was all smiles. 

The Superintendent called the Sunday-school to order, and 
remarked that it was the proudest day of his life ; but as the 
crowd present was so great, he would not attempt to call up 
the scholars by classes. He also regretted that the Christmas 
tree did not contain a present for every Sunday-school scholar 
and non-Sunday-school scholar. He would commence the 
distribution of prizes, however, by calling up the boy who had 
the most Sunday-school tickets. He presumed that every 
Sunday-school scholar knew who that boy was. He had not 
missed a Sunday with the exception of the eight that the 
building had been^closed for repairs. 

Charlie Bevans and the other non-Sunday-school scholars 
did not understand this remark, but Freddy Sweetbread did. 


36 


FREDDY SWEETBREAD. 


and tried to get rid of eight tickets. The superintendent 
continued : 

I will not detain the school any longer, but will simply 
announce the name of Freddy Sweetbread, the boy w^ho has the 
greatest number and cleanest Sunday-school tickets ; he will 
walk forward and receive ^ The Youth’s Temptation, and how 
he Conquered It,’ and the prize chromo called ‘ Two White 
Elephants.’ ” 



These words were hardly out of the Superintendent’s mouth, 
when a thousand boys rose up to claim the prize. All the 
non-Sunday-school scholars called out, ‘‘ I have 104 ! ” 
'' 104! ” “ 104 ! ” Charlie Bevans voice was heard above all 
the rest, Three hundred and sixty-five tickets, and more at 
home, all clean, just printed; I claim the prize ! ” 

Freddy Sweetbread sat very still — he did not want the prize. 
The Superintendent was dumfounded and called in vain 
to the scholars to keep quiet. The school was dismissed, and 
the poor old man escaped out the back way. A rush was 
made for the Christmas tree by the non-Sunday-school scholars, 


FREDDY SWEETBREAD. 


3T 

wh<f captured all the prizes, Charlie Bevans getting off with 
‘‘The Youth’s Temptation” and the “Two White Elephants” 
chromo. 



Freddy Sweetbread was crushed, but he never speaks to a 
non-S. S. S. when he meets him. 

gLaSs EYES ^ ItH A olrE cOMBI^AtlON* 

tnE stojy of t^e witq th^ glass eve, in tha c^r should Be 
A warnf^^ to A\omen. the ^an 7ms Looking ou/ of ^indo^ 
wit^ his Go^d eye, and /hE gl^^ss eXe be^ams ” sot “ asli ware, 
on A Qood I look/uG {onmh opposite, she di^ not know it Mas v 
Glt3i*.r <fyE,, a«d i'upposod t/iQ bad ^an was ;rjring to Fasom^zte ner 
wity Ais 6^aze, aND sqe became nerwus. ze/henEvej she wo^[d 
looK up tq^ niAn^i* eXE A\as After hEr, and /He pooR man Avho Aa,d 
paid 5 ^olLajs foR the eye at vn E_ye-^tore, dio No/ know :^hA/ i/ 
w^s SE/ Qn a gill couib/na//<?;/, andwvs as InnoCEnt as possiele. 
The Glai-i-Eyo Kep; ge/ring in /ts Wojk, UNti/finBlljr tneGirl got up 
and Hit /hE man oa<?r tHe h^d with v smaqL ahiSATOR s^iN satcH- 
e\, A^d as ho go; up and fl<?w to thE sniok^Ng -car, scnref) ou^ of 
^is ^ its, ty^e G\ 2 ss eye Wkod bacK at tqE gir/witq tije same .ytonX, 
iinpudon/ Stare* when g/r[s Find y mun staRin^'Bt /liEm, th^ Best 
waX is to qindly toThem and say, ’’ ])\[isTer, i wo^^ld /qanK 

youTo /um youR gEs.? Eje the ot^er May.‘‘ ove^ if it is n^?T y 
Glass eve, Th<? mBn wi// tur ^2 it ;hE other way if qe \Lnows When q^ 
js Avell oif. 

This was set up by a compositor who has been attending 
the Chicago Conventions, and also some? others since his return. 


MANIACAL MUSINGS 


MANIFESTED MOSTLY MEANDERING MOODILY MIDST MISTY MAZES. 


, Perpetrated Purposely phor Perusal in this Publication^ 


I would not die in spring time 
When the bloom is on the rye 
When the porpoise in his pastime 
Skims the emerald sky. 

No ! let me like a soldier fall, 

If you don’t print this screed 
I wish no fee at all at all 

And though hungry scorn the feed. 

Let us speak of a man as we find him 
For a man’s a man for all that 
Let the dust of the gold rise and blind him 
So he can live on the land of the fat. 

Then give oh give me my pound of flesh 
Just now when I am willing 
I care not even if its pork 
If not too much for a shilling. 

• ' For when the corn is waving Annie dear 

And the sea is on it's ear j 

The ships must very careful steer ■ ' 

r . Or their crew would ^ant a beer. 

But as my pen is gitting bad 
And my ink is gitting pale 
No more at present can be had 
And so I bid you vale, 

Mr. Editor, if the above don’t fill one page in I’m Off 
put it in larger type. 


38 


PROUGHBASCOUGH. 


THE BELL RINGERS. 


“ Will you take charge of the house to-night,” said my wife 
to me, while I do a^little shopping ?” Of course I will,” I 
replied, and as a mutual friend had just dropped in for a social 
chat and smoke, I added, ‘‘ Stay out as long as you please, 
take your neighbor with you, and have a good time.” 

My friend and I had hardly got seated, when the door bell 
went off with a sudden jerk. Going to the door, I could not 
perceive any body, nor even a soul. I thought it rather strange, 
but made no mention of it to my friend. I had hardly got 
seated, when door and gate bell went off together. Both 
of us were startled and jumped up at the same time, he re- 
marking (who is a Colonel by the way), that it must be a 
militia call, and that a Cincinnati riot was going on in two edi- 
tions, double octavo. 

The same luck as before, no one was in sight. I walked up 
the street and my friend down, but no one was visible, ” It is 
strange,” he said. 

Just as we were going into the house, the Colonel, perceiving 
the cellar window had fallen out 
on the pavement, shouted out, 

‘'Old fellow, there’s a thief in the 
house. I will watch the window 
and you take the dog and go into 
the cellar; I'll head him off if he 
comes this way.” I started, and 
just as I opened the cellar door out went the candle, and down 
I went over a washtub, which the careless servant had left on 
the stairs. Over and over I went, the tub always on top, 

39 



40 


THE BELL RINGERS. 


until finally I rolled up to the coal bin. When I got loose, 
there was nothing left of the tub but the hoops which I had 
on, and a pile of kindling wood. 

Mehemet-ali-Pasha ! What a sight I was, all besmeared 
with mackerel brine and coal dust, but no thief was to be seen. 
They do not ring door bells as a rule, when they come on a 
robbing picnic. I called out to my friend to put the window 
in, and I would fasten it. There had been a heavy rain, and 
as the wood was green, it had grown while lying on the pave- 
ment, leaving the hooks three inches from the catch. 

Kick the window to the left,” I said, when, zero and carry 
eight, he mashed my thumb ! “ Kick it to the right !” ‘‘ El- 

Madhi ! You have mashed my left thumb !” Now, kick it 
in the centre,” and his foot went through the glass, and gave 
me a double chin. ‘‘Hold on!” I shouted, “You will kill 
me. Get out of the way,” and I picked up the long heater 

poker, and jammed it through the 
window sash, smashing it into a 
thousand pieces, and landing my 
friend into the middle of the street. 
I then made for the kitchen to wash 
off, turned on the spigot and held 
my two thumbs under it to cool 
them off, but I turned on the wrong 
one, and my attention being 'at- 
tracted to a big roach, with over- 
coat and carving knife in hand, I 
scalded both hands. I was just 
about to say something — well, my 
Presbyterian brother-in-law says it is no harm to swear when 
you come to stove-pipe — when the door bell was rung again. 



THE BELL RINGERS. 


41 



‘‘I will get you this time/^ I said, and throwing off my shoes, 
I tiptoed to the door quietly, and opened it, and landed a cy- 
clone blow into my friend’s face ! He never stopped to rest 
until he got up against a house on the other side of the street ! 
I had forgotten all about him, being so busily occupied with 
my own troubles. 

Are you much hurt, my dear Colonel ?” 

Don’t I look it ? Not satisfied with hitting me with a red 
hot poker, you have split my nose in half 

** Kick me into the house ! Do anything you please ! I 
will trade bruises with you even up. Anything ! Come on 
and fix up. We will get square with somebody for this yet,” 
I said, and we did. 

After repairing damages, we sat down once more, after pull- 
ing the upper and lower bolts of the parlor door. 

You take the left and I’ll 
take the right of the double 
doors.” 

We did not have long to 
wait. Off went the bell, and 
open wide went both doors. 

The Colonel struck my wife a 
sledge-hammer blow in the 
eye, spinning her round like a 
top, and I let go with my right, 
hitting my next-door neigh- 
bor’s wife on the neck, knock- 
ing her clean through her own 
door. 

Murder ! — thieves !” was 
shouted out. The street filled with people. Two stalwart po- 


42 


THE BELL RINGERS. 


licemen rushed up and collared us both, bare-headed, and 
marched us off to the station-house. 

As we were taken away, I heard 
voices shouting: ‘‘ We are the ‘ Bell 
Ringers.''* 

‘‘Hold on! This is a mistake! 
I want to explain. That was my 
wife my friend struck accidentally for 
a bell-ringer!" 

“ You can explain in the morn- 
ing" said the officer. ‘‘Look at 
those hands," he said, as he put the 
nippers on me. “ Both thumbs 
mashed and hands bruised! You 
have no doubt fell through a glass 
house in some previous robbery. And your friend — he's an 
old bird. I have had him before. I know him by his double 
chin and the bunion over his eye." 

Protests were without avail, and we were thrown into the 
cells. A drunken man was already occupying part of my 
bed, and called out, 

“Wash-er mather? Who’s yous-kill ?" 

I soon silenced him by a threat to smother him if he spoke 
again, and I laid down on the floor, and slept the sleep of the 
unjust. 

Early next morning came a rap at my cell, the key was 
turned, the door opened, and I beheld (but what an eye she 
had! So sunk in by my friend’s blow that you could put all 
your small change in the cavity), my wife and a big reserve 
officer. But she wasn’t mad ; on the contrary, she was all 
smiles, with the exception of her bruised eye, which frowned, 




THE BELL RINGERS. 


43 


while the balance of her face seemed to be warmed by the 
sun and kissed by the sea.*’ 

“ Oh, Charlie,” she said, I will forgive all, if you will only 
tell me what kind of an instrument you struck Mrs. Smith 
with ! She has got a hump on her neck as big as a camel, 
and has to turn around twice before she can speak, and I’m 
glad ! she is so jealous. Why, what do you think she said ? 
She told me the men were alike, only some of them were 
more so, and that you wore more so! The idea you can’t 
afford to go away this summer! that you were trying to 
save up something for old age. And what else do you 
think she said, the termagant! That 
I was in delicate health, and you 
were looking out for another wife, 
and ‘/know the woman he’s going to 
marry.’ But come, let’s be off. You 
will have to apologize to her, but the 
apology will not be real, will it, dear ?” 

I did not reply, but handed the officer 
a V, which got my friend off, and we all went off to see Mrs. 
Smith whose neck was nearly off. 



Wanted to be an Angel. — She sang, “ I want to be an an- 
gel,” and he declared that she was one already. To this 
she blushingly demurred. Then he married her. Demurrer 
sustained . — Marine News. 


The winds and the waves are always on the side of the 
ablest navigator. — Gibbons. 


TESTIMONIALS. 

[received after the book was printed.] 


From the Editor of a religious paper of large circulation : 

Accept sincere thanks for advanced sheets of Fm Off.” 
It is a blessed relief to one who has to write vital piety fifty- 
two weeks in the year. I consider myself made stronger for 
the work, since reading Fm Off,” and after my return from 
Europe (I have been staying up all night for eighteen months, 
writing up a second-class steamship company for a third-class 
berth to Europe and return), I shall pour red-hot ink into 
every line of type to all delinquent subscribers. 

Rusticus. 

From a leading Clergyman of a very large Parish: 

I received your Fm Off,” just as I was getting off to Eu- 
rope for a vacation. My salary was increased to 10,000 per 
annum, commencing with the New Year, since which time I 
have had the throat disease. This affection is entirely 
due to an increase of salary. Previously I enjoyed good 
health. I have just read the first galley of your new book, 
and it has had a wonderful effect on my shattered constitution. 
If I continue to get better, I shall order the captain to hail a 
returning vessel in mid-ocean, so that I can get speedily back 
to my congregation, as I fear the ‘^supply” may undermine 
me during my absence. Affectionately, 

Onewhoknows. 


44 


TESTIMONIALS. 


45 


From a Masonic Mason: 

I have just read your new Summer Book Tm Off/^ I con- 
sider it fully as funny as the Report of the Committee on 
Foreign Correspondence of the Grand Lodge of Pennsylvania, 
although it takes a very funny man to beat the very funny 
chairman of this very funny report. Yours, 

Latefeeder. 

Rome, May 15th, 1884. 

Dear Sir : — I have just purchased a copy of your Pm Off/' 
It has made me laugh heartily. The Italian cardinals are giv- 
ing me a great deal of trouble just now, and accuse me of too 
much sympathy with America. I have twelve hats to dispose 
of I intend to give them all to the Americans. This will give 
America a majority in the college of cardinals, an honor I 
consider due them. I think things now will work smoothly, 
as I have outwitted Bismark and the German empire. 

Yours for fun, Leo. 

From a Small Boy : 

I like I’m Off.” It makes me feel like getting off I wish 
we could have the small-pox in our school ; then we would 
have vacation two weeks sooner. WhaPs the use of school 
anyhow ? Why it’s just to keep us boys from having fun ; and 
then you have to study history — all about Columbus discov- 
ering America. Queen Isabella should have hung him for 
his treachery or else set him to work cleaning streets. And 
there was Gen. George Washington ! Of course I take my 
hat off every time I see his picture ; I suppose he was a good 
man in his day; but what do we boys want to know about 
how many battles he fought, and that he was first with the 
hatchet. And Gen. La Fayette ! What dp we want to know 


46 


TESTIMONIALS. 


about the French? I suppose, though, if La Fayette hadn’t 
helped him, the Father of our Country would have had a pretty 
tough time in pulling through. Our teacher says La Fayette, 
though born in France, was an American, a perfect out-and- 
outer ! but us boys don’t believe such stuff. Lafay ate French, 
talked French, fought French and sailed French ; which 
makes our history Frenchy. I don’t care for history; I want 
to read something funny, or frightful. I like both kinds. But 
here comes the teacher, and I’m Off. 

From a Boston Bookstore : 

Please send me 50 copies of your “ I’m Off.” I would order 
more, but I do not desire to be stuck, having to pay my own 
store rent and all other bills, the members of the Episcopal 
Church, unlike those of the denominations around us, buy 
their books where they can get them the cheapest. They have 
no ‘‘ Book Concerns,” no “ Publication Societies,” nor “ De- 
positories,” with presidents and secretaries receiving large 
salaries. The only bookstore we ever had in this city sup- 
ported by voluntary contributions was ‘"busted” during the 
late war by publishing too many tracts. Have you got 
“I’m Off” in the Italian, Spanish, and French languages, as I 
have many such customers ? P 

From the President : 

Please accept my thanks for a copy of your "" I’m Off.” 
Next to Bunyan’s "" Pilgrim’s Progress,” I consider it the most 
useful work of the Nineteenth Century. After the Convention 
at Chicago, I will know the number of copies I require for 
campaign purposes. 

P. S. — Do not communicate with Butler until you hear 
further from me. 


INTERNATIONAL BABY SHOW 


BABIES OF THE OID WORLD. 



The spicy, peppery, 
sling-in-its-hand baby 
of the Balearic Isles. 





The baby-with-the 
silver-spoon of the 
English Nobility. 


The baby-on-ice of 
Russia. 



The mountain baby 
of Switzerland. 


The whining baby of 
the Rhine. 



47 



OUR INTERNATIONAL BABY SHOW. 



The military baby 
of Prussia. 


\ j The diamond baby of 

Australia. 



The canny baby 
of Scotland. 



The buttered baby of 
the Tartars. 



The baby - under - the - 
snow of Siberia. 


TCHDIEN 



The tank - a - lank guitar 
baby of Spain. 


The Ginx baby of 
the English work- 
man. 



The Dynamite 
baby of Ireland. 



The beer-and-sausage 
baby of Germany. 



The maelstrom 
baby of Norway. 



The nix wisser baby 
of Holland. 



OUR INTERNATIONAL BABY SHOW, 


49 






The boomerang baby 
Africa. 



The troublesome 
baby of the Soudan, 



The Assegi baby 
of Senegambia. 



The profound, scientific, 
useful, all-around, archipel- 
ago, dead-language, once- 
powerful, stand-up, fight - 
and-die, terrible-fire baby of 
the Greeks. 



The ask - me-a-harder- 
one sphynx and riddle 
baby of Egypt. 



The Sheep-rais- 
ing -and- nothing- 
else baby of Anda- 
lusia. 



The fan-and-but- 
terfly, umbrella-and 
varnish, sad -eyed 
baby of Japan. 


\ 


( 


50 


OUR INTERNATIONAL BABY SHOW. 



The bound-to-be 
free - in - name-and- 
fame baby of Li- 
beria, 



The sky-rocket joss- 
stick, hair-plaited, al- 
mond - eyed baby of 
China. 



The born-and-raised-in-a-tent, thieving, asafoetida-eating, 
lazy, but murderous baby of Belloochistan. 


BABIES OF THE NEW WORLD. 


The western- 
wild, dressed -in 
feathers, toma- 
hawk, hair - rais- 
ing, trouble-mak- 
ing, reservation- 
leaving, restless, 
scalp - knife - wielding, aborignal - w a r - 
fiance baby of the New World. 




The fur -covered 
baby of British 
America. 


The run- you - into 
the-swamp-and-keep 
you -there baby of 
Hayti. ' 




The revolutionary baby 
of Chili. 



The more revolution- 
ary baby of Venezuela. 



I 


N 


OUR INTERNATIONAL BABY SHOW. 


51 



The Zona Libre, going- 
t o - have - an - American- 
Railroad, cactus baby of 
Mexico- 



The Cod-and- 
fog-bank fish-hook 
in- its-mouth-don’t 
care- a-cent-if-the- 
haul-is-good baby 
ofNewFoundland. 



The restless baby of 
Central America. 


The baby that all the rest 
of the babies take a liking to. 


OUR BABIES. 



The pine, nutmeg, spindle and loom, fish. Green Mountain, in- 
dustrious, manufacturing, straight-out, college-bred baby of the 
Eastern States. 



The almighty dollar, cream, butter and eggs, sea-washed, coal, 
iron and corn, house and ship-building baby of the Middle States. 



The sturdy, sleeves-rolled-up, wheat, pork, prairie, ham, 
gold and silver, buffalo-hunting, cattle-raising, Indian-hating* 
rifle-shooting baby of the Western States and Territories. 




62 


OUR INTERNATIONAL BABY SHOW. 



The generous, hospitable, shot-gun, sugar, tar, pal- 
metto, cotton, tobacco, pistol-shooting, -warmed-by 
the-sun-and-kissed-by-the-sea, blue-grass-and-orange 
baby of the Southern States. 



The United States baby. 

The des^ Baby, 

Our Baby. 

Knock the chip from his shoulder if you dare ! 


GAINING INFORMATION. 



Aniseed bag Fox Hunter, 
— “ Aw ! quite a fine collec- 
tion of animals here, I see.” 

Keeper Zoological Garden, 
— “ Yes, sir; the finest in the 
world.” 

Dude Fox Hunter. — “There 
is a remarkably strange ani- 
mal in that cage.” 

Keeper. — “That ? Yes, that 
is from Tasmania.” 

Dude Fox Hunter. — “ No, 
not that cage ; the one on 
the other side. What is it?” 

Keeper. — “ That ? Oh, that 
is a fox.” 

\ 


V 



THE UBIQUITOUS FLY, 


AND HOW HE CONDUCTS HIMSELF. 


The fly season is here. I was struck with this on the lOth, 
as I was eating dried-currant pie. I asked the cook, jokingly, 
if the flies were dead when she made the pies (it makes a dif- 
ference to me if flies are dead or alive when they are put into 
currant pies or Dutch-cake). Cook is a kind of a wit, and told 
me that the ‘‘joke would not pass current^ The fly dies year 
by year, but where he goes to, and why there are more flies 
the next year, it is beyond the power of mortal man to find out. 


My acquaintance with the house fly {Musca domestica)h^gzxi 
when I was very young — a cribber, in fact. I had a varied 

53 




64 


THE UBIQUITOUS FLY. 


experience with the musca, I had a sweet mouth, the nurse 
said, and the flies thought so, too, the way they flew around it 
and lit on it. I was a bottle baby, and, of course, the sweet- 
ness that was left on my mouth was steady lunch to the M.D.; 
in fact, it was one of his daily routes, and he stopped there any- 
how, even if I hadn't had any milk, and made just as much 
tickle as though I had just gotten through with my hose and 
bottle business and left some on my mouth for him. If he 
found nothing, he'd go up into my nose and sit down to smoke. 
I know he smoked, because I had to sneeze, and I sneeze to-day 
when I smell tobacco. He'd go into my ear to chew tobacco 
and spit there. I tell you, the M.D. and the babies have 
many accounts to settle together. Infants can’t brush flies off 
without hitting themselves ; they haven't sense enough to do 
anything but yell when the fly bothers 'em. Then the nurse 
thinks it is stomachache and 
jumps them up and down on 
her knee, and all the time 
there are two sample- room 
flies in his nose smoking, 
and a corner-loafer fly in his 
right ear chewing tobacco 
and spitting right against his 
tympanum, while the nurse 
is trotting and churning the 
bottle of milk, which has just 
been taken, and should he 
where it will be assimilated, 
instead of being joggled and 
slopped all over a baby’s insides by the nurse's tramp, tramp, 
tramp." 



THE UBIQUITOUS FLY. 


55 


Ah ! I speak for the whole tribe of babies under two years 
old when I say Darn a fly '' {Miisca domesticd). 

Flies are of use sometimes. Old men should never sleep 
immediately after dinner, but they will do it if they get an 
opportunity. Here is where the fly comes in. He will travel 
over and around the bald pate of an old gent who is trying 
to sleep as though he were surveying a new railroad to be built 
all in curves. The O. G. will be kept awake by this constant 
motion, and his faculties will be stirred up until all the nerves 
there are to him will be strung to concert-pitch. Sleep will 
leave his eyelids, and Darn the fly ! will be ejaculated, as 
usual. However, the fly has got his work in, and the aged 
party is wide awake according to schedule. 



Flies are of use to keep courting couples and plow-teams 
lively in the proper season, I remember once that a good old 
uncle of mine, whom I was visiting one summer in my boyhood 


66 


THE UBIQUITOUS FLY. 


days — a farmer of experience and means — of many acres and 
strict church principles, a man of several feet and inches, and 
among men an example, who never swore, or, as I believe, 
even spoke strongly, who never chewed or smoked tobacco, 
or drank in his life, once said to me: '^Joey, it*s plow- 
ing time and I want to get over that field down by the county 
line. Can you help me ? '' Of course Td help Uncle William, 
any time, and willingly said yes. 



As I had become tired of my skirmish with the caterpillars 
and potato bugs, I left that and went plowing with the best, 
kindest, and tallest old farmer in Berks county, Pennsylvania. 
We had first to plow up an old steer pen — country reader 
you know what that is — it is a hard job, there is no let up to 
it. It is a series of aggravating incidents and sudden jerks from 
its start to its wind-up, and with the addition of the back 
number” chestnut burs which I had found in a fence-corner 
and placed under the oxen’s wide harness, matters were quite 
lively. Exclamations from Uncle William such as, '^Oh my!” 

Did you ever see 1” ^Well, well, well!” constantly gave me 
to understand that the plowing wasn’t easy and that Uncle 
was slightly discouraged. I could see the team in the air at 


THE UBIQUITOUS FLY. 


57 


times while the plow was down somewhere, and then the 
situation would be changed suddenly ; the plow, an old 
Santa Anna, would appear and the team be out of sight. Dur- 
ing all this time the ofT-ox, to whose harness had been fastened 
the back-number” burs, had been particularly restive, and 
my good Uncle would cry : ** Ho ! Berry, ho ! Berry! — what 
under the sun ails that ox — well ! well ! well 1 — go on Buck 1 ' 
But suddenly, as though they had been telegraphed for, came 
the flies by thousands and thousands of millions, every one of 
them an active fly and no drones, every fly with his stabbing 
apparatus in order and sharp. Every fly bent on lunch and 
business, which they at once commenced to attend to. Nine 
hundred and thirty-three million attacked each ox of the 
plow team, six hundred and forty-one millions attacked 
Uncle William, and the balance devoted their entire attention 
to me. I never expect to see such a time, or hear such strong 
language again. The Berry ox stood not upon the order of 
his going, but just shucked” himself of half his harness 
and broke the yoke when only half his share of flies had 
attacked him, and left for the creek on a government gallop. 
The other ox started for the small door in the barn, and as he 
couldn’t get in on account of the width of his horns, he just 
backed in hurriedly and pulled part of the barn in after him. 
My uncle being without his motive power, and afraid of being 
eaten alive, for the good old man was already bleeding from a 
million fly-bites, deliberately, and for the first and last time in 
his life swore a solid swear — he could look calmly on the pota- 
to bug ravages and subscribe to a Sunday school the same 
day — he could view with immovable countenance the cater- 
pillars’ spoliations and give to the new church the next minute, 
but this fly influx, this flood of pests, was too much for the old 


58 


THE UBIQUITOUS FL\% 


man, and with an I’ll be blamed,” he left for the house 
and I for the front gate. The flies beat the old farmer that 
time, but in a half an hour when the breeze came, the trouble 
was over and he was at the gate handing half a dollar to a 



beggar with the remark to me, that An act of charity covers 
a multitude of sins, Joey, and you keep your mouth shut, d’ye 
hear ? ” and I have until now. Flies vary as to their adjective 
names, but they are pretty much alike. Some of them carry 
State Fair Medals for size and speed, but all have diplomas 
for staying qualities. We have with us to-day in active busi- 
ness (next year we will have more) one hundred and sixty-five 
kinds out of a possible seven hundred and three. Below is a 
partial list, and by early application you can secure a good sup- 
ply of guaranteed insects suitable for your climate. In writing 
for flies, please state your latitude and longitude. Whether you 
live in the United States or Jersey, whether you are male or 
female, whether you want to use the flies on yourself, your 
cattle or your crops ; whether you are bald or otherwise, the size 


THE UBIQUITOUS FLY. 


59 


of your feet and who your congressman is, also the amount of 
space to be occupied by the flies, and how many children you 
have, with their ages, and we cannot fail to suit you from the 
following list : 

15 — The horse fly — use for all cattle, July to September. 
Blue-bottle, June to October. Flies of a Theatre, all the 
year round.” The Spanish fly — Any time for pleasure or to 
make bliss — stir. The Green fly — May to August, plant al- 
ways near horses. Base-ball flies — Good from April to Nov. 
The Blow fly — Several varieties. May to Aug. The Gad fly — 
August and September ; plant near cows. Flys of a Printing 
Press — For evermore the public good. The butter-fly, the 
sheep-fly, the wheat fly and shoe-fly — the latter is grown prin- 
cipally south of the Ohio River. The dragon fly (English), 
the sand fly (Jersey), the fly-wheel for the mechanic, and time 
flies for all. Written for ' Pm Off ’ by 

Elsassar P. Larrabee. 


Walton P. Webb, now of Jefferson county, Ga., together 
with eleven of his sons, entered the service at the be- 
ginning of the war, and all returned home safe and sound. 
One half of the family was in the Virginia army, the other in 
the West. 

Walton P. Webb how was it done? — We have known men 
who sent one son into the army and lost them all. — What a 
jury you and the sons would make, Walton. 

Texico W. Potts. 






/ 


EMPH— E-EEM. 


What a beautiful Sabbath morning/' said Mrs. Phillipoto 
to her husband. “ Emph — e-eem/’ 
was the reply of Mr. P., as he 
rolled over on the bed for another 
nap. 

‘‘ Are you * off' to church this - 
morning? Let’s go and hear 
Dr. Learnedculture. He’s divine! 
his mouth — what a beautiful expression ! and what pretty 
hands, and such lovely feet! Come, wake up, do, and get 
dressed for breakfast, so we can be off in time to hear the 
Voluntary y 

Mr. P., who was dosing, caught these sentences very dis- 
connectedly: ‘‘No, I won’t go to church voluntarily or other- 
wise," was his response. 

“ How do you expect to get to heaven, if you do not go to* 
church?" asked Mrs. P. angrily, and in a voice which set the 
dogs to barking. 

“ Who said I was going to heaven ? Didn't say anything 
of the kind. Leave me alone ; go to church or heaven your- 
self. I want to stay here/' and Mr. P. rolled over to the other 
side of the bed, and /put the blanket over his head to drowa 
the noise. For a few minutes all was quiet, and Mr. P. 
was hard at work snoring in two sentences — “ Poo-ooh caunk- 
cau-caunk." A shake of the body, and “ Petty, won’t you 

61 



62 


EMPH — E-EEM. 



go to church ?’* was said in a sweet voice. ** No, I won't ! 

Here’s ^lo, go and buy something 
to-morrow. Don’t worry me any 
more,” and off shot Mr. P. into 
another room got into a big chair, 
threw his feet on the table, and 
was soon off on another ethereal 
excursion — taking in on route 
some of his doings the night before. Waiter, bring bottle 
champagne.” ‘^No, had enough.” ''I ordered this, you’ve 
nothing to do with it.” ‘‘ I’m off. My wife’s expecting 
me. Nearly I2 o’clock.” ** Hold on, ’morrow’s Sunday — 
all day to rest,” when he was suddenly woke up by Mrs. P. 

Take your ;^io. You can’t buy me with money. You are 
bringing your children up pretty ! You are teaching them to 
hate church.” 

‘‘ I’m doing nothing of the kind. I gave them each an 
orange and a banana to go early, and $i for collection, besides 
sending the sexton for one quarter’s salary for keeping 
people out of our pew.” 

Yes, pay them to go ! but you can’t pay me / ” 

** I would like to, if your price is not too high,” replied 
Mr. P., the calm smile disappearing and the mad appear- 
ing in ridges on his forehead, similar to the small waves of the 
ocean followed by the greater ones. 

Does your conscience prick for not going,” said Mr. P. 

Ves sir~r ; it’s continually on my mind ; and I am worried 
almost to death about it.” 

Then go to church and quiet your conscience. There’s 
nothing the matter with my conscience. I can sleep all day, 
and conscience will not annoy me.” ^ 


EMPH E-EEM. 


63 


You haven't got any conscience," replied Mrs. P. 

I know it ; therefore I don’t have to go to church." 

There will be very few men in heaven',' replied Mrs. P., 
angrily, as she left Mr, P. to his fate. To which he re- 
plied, as he went off into another nap, Yes, I suppose there 
will be a few men in heaven, to act as superintendents to keep 
the women in order." 

What did you say ?" 

But Mr. P. was “ off" with his friends, snoring away, call- 
ing for ’Nother bottle champagne." 



Jim ! Jim ! Lemme git down, right now ! " 

Why don’t ye done han* me down de odder turkey an’ be 
soon about it?" 

Lemme down, Jim ! Lemme down ! Don’t you see de 
old farmer an’ his gun, an’ de dogs, eh ?" 


MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, 

IN February, and what She did with It, 



This Mary and this Lamb were Practical People, at least 
Mary was. She owned the Lamb and the Lamb knew It. The 
Lamb did not Know what Mary knew. Mary knew she Was 
going to sell The Lamb to the Butcher to Slaughter for the 
Shambles when Lamb meat was Bringing the most Money, 
Mary sold the Lamb to the Butcher in February, when Lamb 
Meat was High, and realized Thirteen Dollars on the Lamb, and 
to-day she Has the handsomest Gown and Bonnet in Con- 
neautville, and is Engaged to be Married to the Son of the 
president of the Bank, all on account of a Little Lamb. Moral, 
dear children — Raise Mutton. 

Wallace Chapman Diggs. 

64 


TESTIMONIALS. 


65 


TESTIMONIALS— CONTINUED. 

From Pastor of jjd Presbyterian Hospital^ 6Sth Ward^ 2d 
Brigade^ May loth^ 1884. : 

Please send 500 copies of your I’m Off as quick as pos- 
sible. Between you and I there is a great deal of fun in 
Presbyterianism to those who are acquainted with its workings. 
You make no mention of the money donated to us from the 
proceeds of the late Charity Ball which you know we refused. 
Some people think this was done on principle, but this is a mis- 
take. There are a great many hide-bound people other than Pres- 
byterians. The Trustees of the Hospital decided not to accept 
the money, and advertised the same extensively to gain Bun- 
kum from the rich Hide-Bounds, and we have* succeeded im- 
mensely, having secured 3 times as much as the proceeds 
awarded us from the Charity Ball. Yours for tact. 

Superintendent. 


Front a Pidnter : 

The best thing I have put in type for a long time. I like 
fat takes, especially when they are funny and leaded. But 
double-leaded nonpareil, 160 eids wide, with only 6 words, is 
my idea of fat. I once set on such a work, and used pressed 
bricks for spacing out. I made ^200 the first week, and the 
second week I was off’' and soon spent my little fortune. I 
am now setting solid pica 18 em's wide. The book is entitled 
Ramdamtha, or the Late Beautiful Sunsets, but there is no fun 
in it. On the contrary, it makes me bilious. If you get out 
a 2d edition of I’m Off,” remember the compositor, and put 
it in double-leaded nonpareil. Nonpareil makes me think of 
roast beef ; while pica means a cold sandwich. 

Doubleleaded. 


5 


66 


TESTIMONIALS. 


From a Western Man : 

Very funny book, indeed. I shall call on the editor the very 
next time I go to New York. New York is a great city. I 
once stopped in Philadelphia a few hours, had a very pleasant, 
quiet time. People kind and tame ; but you have to go to 
New York if you want a high old spree. Big hotels, all sorts 
of amusements, nobody knows you. Get robbed and thrown 
in North river. Man missing reported in daily papers. Re- 
ward offered. You don’t care. Floated off to river on the 
other side called Jordan. Wife in mourning for three months. 
Marries another man. Other man goes to New York. Meets 
same fate. New York is a wonderful city. Takes care of sur- 
plus population of West and South. I am off for 

Chicago. 


From a Ritualist : 

Thanks for I’m Off.” It is immense. Just what I want. 
I am glad you make no allusion to the difference between 
us and the Evangelicals. To be candid, there is no differ- 
ence, only we use different means for reaching the same 
end. My parish is in a neighborhood where the people are 
nearly all mechanics and laborers. A sermon would not draw 
them, so we have big music, chorister boys, processionals 
and recessionals, but we are just as anxious to get these poor 
people to heaven,, as our evangelical brother who lives in a 
neighborhood of wealth and intelligence. He does not need 
the machinery we require, but he is earnest and honest, and so 
are we. Please send me two hundred copies of I’m Off ” for 
the Workingmen’s Guild. Yours for peace, 


D 


TESTIMONIALS. 


6t 


From the President of prominent Life Insurance Company : 

I am sixty-eight years of age and have been a great leader 
all my life. Have also been a great sufferer from rheumatism. 
After reading a few pages of ‘‘Pm Off/' I immediately received 
relief. My limbs, in fact my whole body has commenced to 
expand. I am six inches taller, and have gained seventy-five 
pounds. The directors of my company, at their last meeting, 
proposed to reduce my salary and elect me president-emeritus. 
But thanks to ‘T'm Off," you have forestalled them. I shall 
now ask for increase of salary. I can walk over half mile a 
day now; formerly I rode entirely. Send me twenty-five 
copies for my clerks. At present ‘‘I'm off" for a week. 

H. S. L. 


Foot of the Emperor, Kitchen Cabinet. 

I have received the advanced sheets of your “ I'm Off," but 
I am not in a laughing mood just now, having eat so much 
Herr-Lasker crow, I shall be “ off" for the balance of the 
year. Just tell your friends, however, that it's all right with 
them to be howling for free hog and free beer, where they are 
safe from dynamite Reichstags — but it won't work, my dear 
boy — privately between you and I the Emperor has been keep- 
ing very late hours this past month or so and I had a talk 
with Unser — (That's Fritz, you know — we call him Unser 
around the Palace to distinguish him from the barber Unter 
ter Linten near the Wabash Ave. — who is called Other Fritz 
— ^They look very much alike) — about the matter and he says 
he noticed that the Emp. was getting frisky lately and he'd 
have a chat with him about it in a year or two. (Us Nobles 
move slowly you know.) Until then I'm off. 

Yours for Freedom next year, Bismark. 








K 


V 





Menu of OU R , Restaurant. 

ALL VIANDS WARRANTED AS REPRESENTED. 



First Class Waiters. 

SOTJFS. 


Mully-Gatawney ? Chicken? ConSommay? 



Oyster's whoop. 



Roast Beef. 



Mutton'Chop. 



Clams (two). 








\ 


MENU OF OUR RESTAURANT^ 


6 


03sr 



BeefStung^ Boned Turkey. Saw’s Ages. 


VEO-ETA^BIjES. 


0 0 ^ 

Saratoga Chips. 



Egg-plant. 


UMI 


— !niiiminliriiM£. 


Red-dishes. 


Water C(a)ress, 



SIIDS IDISHES. 





70 


MENU OF OUR RESTAURANT. 



Bread and Butter. 






Smear-case. 



Salt. 



Pepper. 



Vinegar. 



Mustard. 



IDESSEIELT. 



Pluni(p;udding. 



Dip. 



Soft Sauce. 


L A1 te Pehopwl eho 
AreHd tils wl ie usr-b 
prdise ghwEtn he e/Y 
ndTO wleh Ti .sH 
'oFIm F. 
Pi. 



Taffy. 



MENU OF OUR RESTAURANT. 


71 


WIISrE LIST. 



Old Whine. Old Ail. Scotch Ail. 




Old Rye. 





Proprietor and head cook, 

chef de cuisine. 


HOME RECIPES. 

Rhubarb Pie. — A s it is about time to be getting ready for 
cholera and cholera infantum, we recommend rhubarb pie as a 
good coaxer to bring on the first attack. Take one cup of 
chopped rhubarb, bake it between two layers of dough, and 
eat hot. Y ou won*t have long to wait for the approaching storm. 


\ 




A GOOD POINT (ER) ON A CORNER IN WHEAT. 




/ • 





'*OH ! TOU PERFIDIOUS WRETCH ! I SAW YOU KISS HER.'’ “l DID, YOU’RE 
RIGHT, BUT I won’t DO IT AGAIN IF YOU’LL TAKE ME 
BACK TO YOUR LOVE.” 


72 




V 



Belubbed, inste’d ob de reg’lar sarnion to-day, I intend to 
discorse on cnyting dat kums into my mind, an* you’uns will 
hev to t’ink mi’ty fas’ to keep up wid me. 

De fust subjek I will bring befo* you* *tention am Money. 
Money am a common *modity, used by all classes *cept cows, 
an* udder quadrupeds. You can’t preach widout money, kase 
it takes money to buy co*n-meal, an* you can’t cook it widout 
fire ; an* it takes money to buy fire, an* de min’ster can’t preach 
widout money. (Did I he’ah sum un in dis congregation say 
dey stole dar* co’n-bread reddy baked ? I hope I’s mistak’n.) 
De bank has to hab money to make mo* money, udderwise 
you can’t git you* diskounts. De broker habs to hab money 
fo* ma’gins, w’en you buy sum’sing you doan* want, an* nebber 
’spect to git. (Who dat wisper’d he made two hund’ed dol- 
lahs on West’en Unum by goin* * short* las* week ? ’Praps 
he’s anxyus to hab de kollecshun-box come roun* quick.) 
An* den you can’t trabble widout money. You can’t han* de 
konductor a sertifyed chec*,but you mus’ hab de ra’al soljd kash, 
or else, de fus* fing you doan kno*, you’ll be put off de train 

73 


74 


POWER OB MONEY. 


free miles from nowhar, or near de back do’ah ub sum po’ah 
white man’s house. (Did I har’ Jim Sliver say he alius beats 
his far’ ? If he did say so, den he will beat de kollecshun-box, 
an’ he’ll be a robbin’ you’ dewoted pasto’ ob de co’n-meal an’ 
fi’ah w’ich, put togedder, am money.) As I said befo’, w’en de 
las’ hym’ war sung, I wa’n’t g’wang to preach a reg’lar sarmon, 
but dat I wud wander ober eny plow’d or unplow’d groun’ an’ 
dat I wud fus’ dyelat’ (who was dat sed I didn’t kno’ de mean- 
in’ ub dyelate?) ’pon money. De subjek am so gran’, so 
’spiring, so willin’us and killin’-like, dat my weak frame fails 
to ensarkle de sarkum — (did eny wun say I’s usin’ words too 
big for my big mouf ?) — ference ub it. Yez, belubbed, money 
am de god ub dis wurl’, dose ub you who doan’ contribit lib’- 
rally ar’ demi-gods. (I b’leeb I h’ard sum ’un say, ‘‘ Shet up, 
let’s start a hym’.”) De kollecshun’ll now be made, an’ de 
hym’ sung arterwa’ds, as it’s my ’sperience dat dose who git 
mos’ interested in de hym’ am eder kulla-blin’ or forgit dat de 
preacher has to hab money to buy de co’n-meal an’ de fi’ah. 
Tall Yaller Jackson will please take a seat in de side pew, so 
dat I can see who b’leebs in de pow’ah ub money. 

Ei.der Sassasfras. 


We have been asked, ‘‘What are 
the differences between High, Low, 
and Broad Churchmen?” 

Not having the requisite theologi- 
cal authorities within easy reach, we 
referred the matter to our artist, and, 
this, he says, is the best he can do in 
the premises. 



JONES AND HIS MASTER-KEY. 

Brooklyn is a big city. It contains a great many churches 
and saloons. It has a good soil for 
piety and wickedness ; but all the great 
villains and celebrated preachers live 
there. It owns part of the great bridge 
and some of the water which it spans. 

In summer, many of its population rec- 
reate, but a very large majority stay at 
home because they can’t help it. It 
takes deep plowing and 100 bushels of 
lime to the acre to get a crop of piety in Brooklyn, while with 
a 32-tooth harrow you will scratch up more wickedness than 
can be harvested before the first frost. 

We have a friend, however, who sends his family to Long 
Branch, and enjoys himself at home in keeping burglars away. 
Our friend also knows how to keep cool. 

It is not known to everybody that the parlor is the coolest 
place on a hot day, and Sunday is always the hottest day 
in the week. Our friend, whose name is plain James Jones — 
not hard to remember — had all his doors fitted to one key, 
and was very fond of saying that he carried a key which fitted 
every door, including the wine-closet and refrigerator. 

On one very hot Sunday last summer, l||| 

Mr. Jones undressed himself, and put- ||| 
ting on a long linen wrapper, started for jl 
the parlor, master-key in hand, pulling the I 
bed-room door shut after him. Throwing I 
the key on the parlor table, Jones opened I 
the vestibule door, pulled the bolt of the ™ 

75 




76 


JONES AND HIS MASTER-KEY. 


front door, put on the chain and tucked the rug between 
the folding doors, and was about to say, Give me home in 
preference to being pent up in a hot room at the sea-shore,*' 
when, shut! went the vestibule door, and left Mr. Jones 
between two dilemmas, one of which was the impossible. 
He could not go out into the street, for he would have been 
arrested as an escaped lunatic ; so he kicked and pounded on 
the vestibule door. After skinning his hands and bruising his 
feet, a happy way out of his difficulty struck him. He would 
climb up to the transom window and get 'out that way. This 
was not so easily done as said, how- 
ever. He had just got his chin upon 
the window ledge, when down he 
came with half of the sash in his 
hand, his nose cut, his knees skinned, 
and the nail on one of his big toes 
hanging loose. He screamed for 
help, but not even a policeman was 
in sight. He put his head out of the 
front door, but no one was to be seen 
except a very old man who was hard of hearing. At last, how- 
ever, poor Jones attracted the old man’s attention, and by a 
pantomimic effort made him understand he was in trouble. 
The old man thought a murder had been committed. Oh, 
yes, killed your wife, have you ? and tried to kill yourself I 
Of course I will get an officer,” and off the old man ran. 

What shall I do?” said Jones to himself; ^^if I don’t get out 
the police will arrest me as a murderer or a burglar. I’ll try 
the transom again” (we forgot to mention that Jones carried 
about a hundred and ninety avoirdupois). Up he climbed, 
and half way through the transom he stuck fast. He shouted 



JONES AND HIS MASTER-KEY. 


77 


louder than ever, ‘‘ Help me out, 
he-e-e-lp m-e-e-e out, I'm dying !” 

Suddenly the side yard window was 
jammed through, and two officers 
confronted poor Jones. 

Take me down, quick ; I’m dy- 
ing!" We will take you down and 
upy too," was the response. Robbing 
the house while the family are away, 
eh! besides disturbing us on this hot 
Sunday Throw him down and handcuff him," said one 
officer to his chum. 

Poor Jones was got down more dead than alive, and after 
calling for his master-key, persuaded the officers to take him 
up stairs to get his clothes on, and then he would unlock the 
wine-closet with that same master-key, which would prove that 
he was master of the house. The master-key, or the Madeira 
had the desired effect on the officers; but Jones declares he 
will never stay home in August again, if all Brooklyn burns up, 
and every preacher loses his contract. 



Colts, and how to raise them. — Colts, like boys, require 
the same treatment. A curve bit in both cases are neces- 
sary. Most colts, like boys, do not get properly broke;, 
hence, runaways and accidents. Properly broke colts become 
very useful as they grow up into horsehood. Raise plenty of 
good colts, they will eventually become very useful in reliev- 
ing the older ones, as good children help their parents when 
they become old. Serius Editor. 



This is a likeness of a Conservative during the panic, and 
what he said: 

I prophesied it all. Too much over-trading.’’ 



And this is his picture after he had made 



by the panic. 

Yes, I said we would have a headthy reaction, and business 
would be benefited by it.” 


IS 



SKETCH OF EL MAD-HI. 



The above is a picture of El Mad-hi, the conqueror of 
Chinese Gordon. 

We despatched our artist to his kingdom, at great expense, 
in order that we might not only get a true likeness, but also 

79 ^ 


80 


SKETCH OF EL MAD-HI. 


to procure correct information as to the habits of El Mad-hi’s 
subjects. 

El Mad-hi was captured in a crocodile swamp, while yet a 
small lad, and brought to this country, where he was christened 
Thomas El Mad-hi, and placed in a broker’s office in Wall 
street. After serving two years’ apprenticeship, he graduated 
with high honors — broke two banks, and ditched several rail- 
ways. 



Having amassed an ample fortune, he returned to his own 
country, when he has been doing good missionary work 
ever since. 

In height Thomas is 9 feet 8 inches, being a little above the 
medium stature of his countrymen. He possesses at least one 
quadrumanous or embryonic character, and is considered a 
good cricket player, rating No. 2 in a class of 18. His retreat- 
ing chin is of a marked monkey type, and he shows off 
better in a standing rather than sitting posture. His hair is 


SKETCH OF EL MAD-HI. 


81 


crisp, and nose flat, without bridge. He eats four meals a day 
when on the march, and sleeps very little. He keeps three 
bank accounts, one in London, one in Paris (where his wife 
and daughter are learning French, see picture on opposite 
page,) and another in. Khartoum. 

Thomas El Mad-hi has reached 1 26 years of age ; is in the 
prime of life, and expects to turn 200. He neither smokes, 
chews tobacco, nor swears. He is the lineal descendant of 
Thomas El Mad-hi the Third, and the 67th False Prophet of 
the Dark Country. 

More. — Gen. Mad-hi, the name he is familiarly known by in 
the army, became highly incensed at Chinese Gordon during 
a game of corner-ball, accusing Gordon of using a loaded ball. 
In revenge El M. intends to keep C. G. cornered until the rise 
of the Nile, when he will drown him ! 


The Very Wicked Man. — After the usual services and 
a sermon, a young man from the East was invited to lecture 
on the wickedness of man. He commenced by saying, We 
will suppose you have a very wicked man in Murphy’s camp. 
He is married and has children. What shall be done with 
him ? If his dear wife would only die, or some favorite child ^ 
in order that his heart might be softened. But what shall we 
do with the wicked man ? ” 

An old sea-captain, who had been wakened up out of a 
sound sleep, and forgetting where he was, shouted out ‘'Heave 
ahoy ! put a sinker around his neck, and throw the scoundrel 
in my seat. Pm going home, you can't sleep here T 


6 



n 


EXAMINE THE PICTURE CLOSELY AND YOU WILL SEE THEY ARE ALL OFF, 



WALL STREET. 


Near New York, May \\ th ^ 1884. 


To THE Editor of ** Tm Off ” : 

I understand there has been considerable excitement in 
New York and other large cities, over a little hilarity of ours. 

True, several banks and 
a number of large bankers 
and brokers suspended, but 
we have to do this, in order 
to keep our population from 
falling into your dull ways. 
Wall Street is a great coun- 
try of granite and certified 
checks. We own all the 
Foreign opera singers and 
great actors and actresses. 
Every Wall Street man controls a railroad and bank. Some of 
us sleep on Murray Hill, and a few in Ludlow street. Ludlow 

street is not as toney 
as Murray Hill, but 
I think it is coming 
up, and will ere long 
be the residence of 
a great many who 
think it vulgar to 
walk through its 
massive corridors, 
and sleep in its 
spacious and secure apartments, where thieves do not break 
through and steal and where '^the wicked are at rest.’^ 




83 


84 


WALL STREET. 


Yes, we are a peculiar chosen people. We do not bother 

our heads with ship- 
ping and mercantile 
pursuits, but work 
up big panics to 
frighten the gullible 
population of your 
country. New York 
is the objective point. 
About 100,000 of 
your population en- 
ter Wall Street every day, principally from New York, Penn- 
sylvania and New Jersey, with a good sprinkling from other 
States, but we manage to take care of them all. We rob a 
good number, cause more to commit suicide, and a very few 

are allowed to make money. 
We are a very benevolent 
people, also. We donate 
more money to colleges, 
churches and hospitals than 
all the States in your coun- 
try combined. We make 
presidents and fix the tariff 
of your States ; in fact, we 
are the greatest people in 
the world. If one or a dozen stop payment in WALL 
STREET, we have great merriment over it ; some other 
fellows resume and pay for them. So don’t get worried when 
you hear of a failure in WALL STREET, as it is neces- 
sary to keep up the fun. Yours, Marinebank. 

P. S. — Look at this funny party coming up the street. They 
are ^^All Off.” 





SILVER-LEAF CLUB. 


Jim Williams and Octavo Johnson are deacons in the 87th 
African Church. They also belong to the Silver Leaf Club, 
which meets over the shoemaker shop at the village corner. 
After a very spirited debate one evening on the subject of 
** Who shall stay and who shall go?’' it was decided that those 
who had contributed towards the expenses of the club would 
stay, and those who had not, must go. But the go party were 
in the majority and decided to stay, and voted the wo 7 ild party 
down and threw them out. Next morning Jim Williams, who 
was passing along the road, saw Johnson plowing, and waited 
for him until he came to the end of the corn row. 



'' Good morning, Mr. Johnson ! ' 

Good morning, Mr. Williams ! ” were the friendly saluta- 


tions. 

''I want to ax ye ’about de club, an’ what we’re gwine to do 
wid the r’fractory members ? ” 

85 


86 


SILVER-LEAF CLUB. 


Do wid ’em ! Why, we’ll start a new club, and call it de 
^Silver Club Reform.’” 

Then they got into a spirited argument as to who had 
occasioned the row, and it was finally agreed that Frosty Long- 
foot was the occasion of the fuss, as he drew a double-bladed 
razor on Deacon Longbow, who said he was no gemmen. 

Presently the horn blew for dinner, and Jim Williams look- 
ing around, exclaimed, Culled man, look ! if dem ar’ black 



crows haven’t done an’ gone eat up my hors, den I was dead, 
fur sure ! ” 

Ye’re not dreamin’ Jim, dey did so do dat, and ‘I’m Off.’” 


How He Construed It. — A good country priest said to 
a dying drunkard : “My son, you must be reconciled with 
your enemies.” “ Then,” groaned the poor wretch, “ give me 
a glass of water and I’m off!” 


A FRIEND of ours, who wears a patent double-action non- 
pensioned leg, boarded a crowded Chestnut Street car the 
other day. Of course, he was given a seat, but in trying to draw 
the inanimate limb together the double flange which held it in 
order snapped, and away went the limb, struck an English lady, 
and elevated her from the car floor. 



You audacious scoundrel ! Take your feet from under my 
dress ! And she commenced hammering the patent limb, which 
sounded like a drum, until she broke her parasol. 

When you get tired of pounding, madam, I will try to 
capture my leg.” 

But, rum-it-a-dum, went her broken parasol on his hollow 
limb, until she broke the main-spring, and up flew the tree 
trunk, and landed her into the lap of an old gentleman. “ Con- 
ductor, stop this car, I want to get out. The Hamericans are 
the vulgarest people hin the world.” 

87 




AN OBJECT LESSON. 


BY THE WALKING PROFESSOR. 


Papa, loquitur — 

‘‘ Now, here we have a living example of what I was talking 
about — the mother Pig. She 
has lately gone into business, 
and is industrious in that and 
nothing else — how I do like to 
see the mother attending to busi- 
ness ; she has no ideas but in the 
present. How different while 
she was roaming around rooting 
among the valuable vegetables 
and plants in the garden before these little ones were pub- 
lished; but now she roams no more. Consider her air of per- 
fect ease — she knows her food will be brought to her, and she 

is in perfect repose. Not so the 
young ones ; they are working 
like the machinery of a Corliss 
engine — thirty-two pounds to the 
square inch, and working for 
keeps. Nothing can disturb her, 
as I will show you by placing the 
end of my umbrella in her ear. 
‘'Thunderbolts and potato bugs! but I was mistaken! 
Something does disturb her! could it have been my umbrella? 
I suppose so, or maybe a vigorous fly. Why this whole 
neighborhood is pervaded with a spirit of unrest, — Tm offf' 

88 



Morning. — Crossing ferry from Jersey City to New York. 
Everybody fresh. All the mirrors in the boat in use. 





No STOPS MADE ON THIS ROAD. — This train 



picks 

and 



lands pas- 
s e nge rs 
while go- 
ing at full 
speed. 



We have not applied for a patent for the above novel plan 
of ‘‘picking up’' and “letting down” passengers, and have 
thus saved the for charity. 


90 


% 


JIM FRISBY’S VISION. 


^^Come down out ob dat tree, Jim 
Frisby. We has your coffin wid us, 
and white men to help bury ye” 

Jim lived in Kent county, Mary- 
land, and a lazier specimen of the 
black race was not to be found. He 
was in the habit of going into a 
trance whenever there was work to 
do. Sometimes he would go off for 
a week at a time in the woods, and 
build himself a bed of boughs and 
leaves. 

I say, Jim, what ye doing in dat ar tree? Come down at 
once, we’s going to bury ye, sure.'* 

Hold on, I tell ye. Is’e been to heaven, an* seen de angels, 
an* golden candlesticks, de jasper and amuranths pavement. 
De diamond chandeliers sparkle wid so much 'fulgence, dat ye 
kin hardly see norfin." 

Did you see many people in heaven?" 

Oh, yes, there were right smart colored people sittin’ in de 
parlors, listenin' to de band." 

‘‘Well, were there no white people there ? " 

“ Bery few, indeed, an 'dey were in de kitchen washing de 
angels’ clothes and cooking." 

“ That won’t do, Jim. Get out of that tree," and a rush was 
made to pull him down. 

“ Don’t do nofin to me, and I’ll tell you where else I’se 
been." 

“ Go ahead, then, and hurry up," came from the crowd. 

91 



92 


JIM frisby’s vision. 


Well, Tse been down in de lower world, nnd saw Satan. 
Well, he am de ugliest man I ever seed ; and ebery time he 
opens his mouf he spits out lakes of solid red-hot iron furna- 
ces. Yes, and he carries in his hand a big hickory club for 
knocking down dem dat spit tobacco on de floor. And — 

*"Are there many people in the place?'' came from one of 
the crowd. 

** People ! It's overflowin' ; a good many have to sit on the 
window-sills ; and while I was dar, he made a contract for 
four thousan' more rooms, I tink dat was de number, he said. 
Oh, yes, there am millions ob white people dere." 

'' No colored people ? " 

Bery few, indeed." 

‘‘ Well, what were the white people doing ? " 

Well, a good many of dem were playin' kerds, base-ball 
and oder games ; and I declar' to gracious, it 'peared to me 
the colored man had no more show dar dan on dis earth." 

‘‘ What were the colored people doing, Jim ? " 

Doing? Ebery white man had two colored men fan- 
nin' him. It was jist de same as befor' de war! " 

The Irishman's Hog. — One day, while the miners were at 
work, in Schuylkill county, a hgg belonging to an Irishman 
went into one of the cabins and eat up a bag of self-raising 
flour. When the miners came in to their dinner they were en- 
raged at the sight before them; flour was scattered all over 
the floor, pans upset and crockery smashed, but their rage 
was nothing to the Irishman's who j*ust put in an appear- 
ance. Who kilt my fine beast ? " he said. The miners ^ 
guessing the trouble, asked him where the hog was. jabers, 
he is standing straight up in the ditch, split fro7n head to foot, 
and the foam flying out of him like a Niagara cataract." 


SEASIDE TALK. 

Good morning, Mrs. Bloomfield. Did you rest well last 
night ? I believe your room faces the north ! How delight- 
ful ! Has Mk*. Bloomfield arrived yet? Of course, he was 
dreadfully worried last week over the financial flurry. I 
hope they have captured all those Bulls and Bears. It must 
have been very exciting to have seen the people getting out 
of their way. I do hope they have all been shot. I expect 
some of them are still hidden away in banks and vaults. 
They say a great many of them jumped overboard and got 
drowned, while a good many more were so crippled that they 
will have to be killed in order to put them out of their misery. 
Everybody was badly scared and hundreds lost their heads.” 

“ Why, that’s perfectly horrible ! How in the world did 
they lose their heads ? Did the Bears eat them off?” 

Yes, Miss Simpkins,” said Mr. Bloomfield, who just put 
in an appearance — having arrived late the evening before — 
“Yes, the Bears ate up a large number, and the Bulls crippled 
.a great many for life.’^ 

“ I think the city authorities ought to be held responsible 
for allowing Bulls and Bears to roam at large, don’t you, Miss 
Apricot?” spoke up a seventeen-year-old dude, who didn’t 
know a bull from a bear, nor a steer from a cow. 

“ I quite agree with you, Mr. Softskin, and how fortunate 
it was for us that we left the horrid city in time to escape 
their ravages ?” 

This pleasant conversation was rudely broken up by an old 
gentleman exclaiming, in a very grulf voice, “ I wish a whole 
drove of them would pounce down here and clean up this 
mischief- breeding, husband - making, getting - ready-for- fall- 
swindling, miscalled, ^ Rest-and- Ease- Resort.’ ” 

93 


94 


‘^meets’’ of various kinds. 





<< 


) > 


% 


DOG MEET 


TESTIMONIALS. 


95 


Front the Prince of Wales : 

Please accept my thanks for Pm I presume the title 

of your book is a personal compliment to myself. If such a 
book had been published at the time I was visiting your coun- 
try, I would have been ‘‘ off” a good many times when I was 
asked.” ^ Wales. 

Buckingham Palace, May, 1884. 


From the Czar of all the Russias : 

Dynamite Bomb-Proof Hall, May 30, 1884. 

Yes, I have received the advanced sheets of^^ Pm Off.” I 
shall need a copy for every voter. The best thing in the way 
of a Campaign tract I have ever read. I presume you have 
heard that I have abdicated the throne, in order that I may be 
vindicated at the polls. I am distributing all the money I 
receive from the Siberian mines, among the populace, as a 
corruption fund. I find that those who were chiefly instru- 
mental in having me blown to pieces by Dynamite, are now 
my warmest friends. I have caught on to the American 
plan — put all your enemies in office, make them bosses, and 
you are safe. Please strike me off one million in American 
language. You can get more fun in that dialect than any 
other. I have sent word to your American Consul to procure 
me 100,000 Americans to teach my people your language and 
politics. I am going to reorganize my government, and shape 
it after your fashion. Mark my word for it, in fifty years from 
now, there will not be a Russian in Russia, all having become 
Americans. Please mail Skyobel-off and Jam-a-to-off one copy 
each of Pm Off.” Yours for freedom, 

Alexander 2 and 3. 


n 


TESTIMONIALS. 


TESTIMONIALS— CONTINUED. 

From a Pullman Conductor ; 

Please accept my thanks for your new Summer Book Pm 
Off.’' I have very little to do now. Passengers ask no more 
questions. The General Superintendent, Goodman, is so well 
pleased with your book and the facilities you furnish for 
mailing, that he has written to the Government requesting 
Postmasters and Postal Boxes to be put on all trains for the 
convenience of the public. Regular. 

From the Mayor of Philadelphia : 

I do not remember the exact words of the conversation I 
had with you about ‘ I’m Off’ but I do know the majority I 
had tallied exactly with your figures. I consider * Im Off’ 
entirely responsible for my election, however, and you can 
have any office at my disposal you desire. ‘ I’m Off’ for two 
weeks to fix up the Presidental Campaign. In the meantime, 
please send 2000 copies to my office, for distribution among 
the police force. Do not ' sell out’ your right to any one of 
the Candidates for the Presidency until I have an interview 
with you. 

Mayor of Philadelphia. 

Old Point Comfort and Washington, March I, 1884. 



“I'M OFF” EDITORIAL CORPS 



1 = 


■0 VI s 

r- ^ ^ 

> 


O 

m 


P 85 

<r^ 


o 

CL 


CL 


O ^ 
2: 
r o 


‘p 

?i 



tr^ 

&=- 

<rt) 

tc 


■D 

I 


P I & 


s: 

D 

m 


o 

O 

o 


"□ 

I 

> 


Q 

0 




£20 


O 


03 


»> 


O 

3^ 


w 

a 


O 


c5 W 


X 

o 


03 




a 

<]ro. 


CT3 


«3 


-aiL. 




t5 

e> 

PU 


tJ" 


p> 


5>J 

o 

CD 


CQ 

f 

CD 

1 

t=D 

33 

z 

CD 


m 

> 



3D 

o 

tD 

1 

»d 




r-^ 


tM 

CD 

i 


CD 

O 





po 

S 



tSP 

g 


C>D 

E2«P 





e-^ 


•-cs 




-n 


C?^ 


M' 


•V 

X 

7* 

-4 

M 

JCT-. 

o 

o 


C=*3 

t— t 

r 

> 

o 

N5 

o 

c 

2_ 

S5* 

•-^ 

M 

525 

H 

a 

o. 

5^ 

o 


g 

O 

m 

d» 

GO 

a 

H 

CO 

« 


ED 


r" 

o. 

rH 


B 



TJ 

I 


“O 

pD 

o 

W 

'»s»- 

H 

> 

Z 

1 

*—*a 



O 


<L 

ot 








q 


Q 


?f 


Q 

0 


3 

> 


in 

> «• 

z 

o 


R 

O 

o 




r 

> 


X 


? 

8 “ 

r 

> o 

on /.' 

O ■■=- 


H 

m 






}} - 

■*•1 


■^J' . 









V* :■■ 

. S' 


y 

r- 











.'*>' * > 


I 


\ 

, 7 *^ 


,\ ' . 


♦ 

ik« 










.< >vc •>■ 



' ' '• V . ’' 

• 4 '* 


\ 



• - , •* , • -.N 

• • f -A ■ ’ - 

- ■>• ru--^., ■■ ^v- ■ * ■-. 

-s' • •• ' 


g 


T:.r 


^ ' 
. 1 m ^ 


s---^ / 





_ j' . 


': *^. t. •• ^ 

*w • 

’■ v:'*-;r .. : ■ 




V .- 


» 




/ • 

. ♦ ' ' 


<4 



t 


' V 


t 


/ 


* 


X 





• k 





• ff 



L 


i». . 



V v^»'' ■ 




: > ^ 5 v' • • 


,• --.- 

A 

.1 % 



s. 



I 


I 





^ V " 


r 

/ 




\ 


•r 




V 



X •• 


» 





t 


r^' 


4 



I..' 


/ : 




7*>^; 

:j^. 


i .- 





■. ; 


-fr V 



•» 






v« 




/ 






/ / 









.•'.fW.'i: 

v' * 





' ■ '*' '' '*i' 1 1 '?*’ 

r' .'.■ V,'’ 

' ^1 ‘ 



« ( 




r'? V M 




T' 


ri, 


/i 


f ' 


.'I 




(f’ 


Hi 




T? 




4 l 




« -i 






»# 


' 7 , 


HU ♦ 




' ^ \ 


'• ‘ I ' (Bfn * '' ^ 


iv 




BW/- ^P^i,/^'' ■■' .,p ..■/ ■' A ^ 

w- H ■ / A. .' .'A'. ' ■ ‘''tKMffiSL -u 

-^,l^^e< 4 ''''''^"- ‘A**'', .■’■',,-v:. 

■ \ • V .' i •' ^- j. “ '*^ I » ' ‘ *■ •<»'t . *>'i^- ■ . I . I V '^jf* 

'ft . 'l . < A. I y ^ k A. . -.* 1 M * . •'• I. «. • .. .r \' » ^.i 



:yV -'.V 

nu..._r^ .'i''.' Ah: . m 


‘h : \i 


;■;;' S'': a. ^ 



i 


r.'h , 

« . U 




9 s's ' 




., V j ' ' , Yitk ' ..--v 


rj 


‘A'. ;..% .''Jiitjf 

^ * TAi! 


k:. 


v'vW v J ’ '' ’'''»^ 

s.jka"*i> ' 

■* ' ' ? 

‘ 7 . Av:.‘. y* 

'"f #■/ ' * 

j *f^f. I ^ 

mij; 

' j 4 ' ' 


i^' 




n'- \ 





o 


% 

o 




^ 9 ^ 









fv * ^(* f' # 

^v > V' ^ 

V. -V J". :^fe: •■ 




* A <** 

’ -o A •‘•^*' 

*0/ •' 


•1 : 


^ .0 







o • t 


^ *Ku 

o * ' 0 *-. 

° 4 . V V 

• » rf«ia»^» ^ Jl*? 'i*.!' V' 

" ' f ' /!,*«• ^ »* 

• ■ 

. ' • * * ’ '^ '" • * * A<' *^^ 5 ^ . 0 ^ ^ 

0 ® ® # 0 * • ^ ♦ O < o ® * ^ A^ ^ ' • 

c ,*,iSSS{hs»:. c^ z* 






< O' 

o^ • « o ,0 ^ *' 0 , ^• aV 

V’ .•i^'* <^ jO^ * • 0 ’^ • 

° WW ' iw¥*‘ .❖'"V. 




♦ • ‘’JJ ^ ^-» -X*^ O *• ^ 6^ * • '* * • ■• O ® “ ® 4 *< 

^ -0 ^ A •*^$5o^V 4 ^ c ♦W:;^^^ o a'^ 


• ♦'^ ^ ^ 
'» .... °-^ 


4 ■ o 


^V 4 ' 

^ • * “ ' '*^ s ^ * • I 1 

9 t > ^ ‘ X ’^' > v' •■•• 

\ U »* 

'f'’^ v\^ • 

^ •. 

jk ' • • * «' 

^ 0 




V .* 


• aV-^ 4 



x 9 *“ * 

4 ^V* 4^A1\W>^^> ^ ^ ' kS!* 

J\ /'\ '-.^K-' /\ '-^R-'' ■<’^"'^-^ 

‘ . • ‘JvL» /\ ° * * ' ,%, ’ * * * 4 ,'»''^.« • • * - 


« 


• « o 


* # ^ 


• • 4 


• I •» 


^ O 0^ . •_E*;SA^K%k% ^ V ♦ 0tt(T/7P>^ ^ » -srCsA\\’»^ ^ V 



'»b ^ t 



¥'. m O 




» .Ovv 

.‘ 0 %, .K 

'a® V *••’• 








“"V, 


jv • l^iB ^3 ♦ «? «ik » V • 

■<#' .’<<aiar» •,«»,* A* 

Cv o *^0 • * • ^ . 

> “ • 4 ^ c ® “ ® 




1 • * . 


*‘Tr.‘ . 0 ^ '•- 

/ yJJ^" % A 



‘^' a'4'*’ “.“ 

S'*, **0 .«■' cO**. X O^ .‘'*. % o<>'"« 

- ^ ,^,-c<>.v ^ '*9 A ^/y'yi^ •» o .1^ • _£<SHv ^ 


'♦t-. 4 ."^ o 


«» •y' 


”^***0^ 




• » ’ A® * • I ’ • ^ ♦•«»'’ .0 1 

, 0 ^ ,**o. •> v'^ X. aO'^ * 1 *.^' ^ V t’jMW^* 


»° •n#', ',' 






o '^AAfV o 




' 5 'Ca . 



• * 


** aV"'^ - 

♦ A V • 


'/'-W T 

■C* ‘'^••‘ '•••' ,<'• 

6 ^ . * ' • « ^o A 0 " " “ * 



* “Si, A ♦ 




. A'Ca O 



»* “•** 

*r^r*' Ay ' 5 - '».* 





r> « 




.•lo,*. 


i? •n#.^ 

V*. ••- ^ *VTy‘' ^ ^ 

'V'^P .*.^1^- -• 

* A/ • 

» -o?^ ^ 4 V s 




;•• <0 


k VC. wtRT ;, 
i , 800 KBIN 0 INC 


^ 0^*. X 


.'^ . . < . * ”**/ 





rP ^*lJyr9^^ ^ • 


, Grantville, PaA » ^ ^ a 

J Sept^ct -198? I y 

i M ' Vv«!*t'Owa(«y Sw"® II r£* ** . * <x,* 






o_ # 



o V 


* ' * * • * 

o « V* - 

t .<gaA. 



< Pa 

3 l' 


^ *0 ri*’ *" \ A,P 

O -'•To^ . 0 -’ -'..x 4^ 

4 • • • » r\ * * • o k> 4 • * * ' 

<' 4 ^ V •L.vw''V Pa. \V V,*. - 





